My mom did not believe in bankruptcy. She always said that she made the debt, she needs to pay the debt. She said it wasn't just the right thing to do but the Christian thing to do. And so I accepted this idea, because it made sense and she was my mom. When a family member declared bankruptcy this idea came back to me. I understood why she did and am all about the fact that I don't know what you are going through so I can't judge your actions. But here I am facing this same decision and it makes me sick. Literally all week long I have been anxious, can't sleep, can't focus, cry for no reason, and ate horrible food all week long. Some moments I don't know how I got here and then the next remember my stupid mistakes. The choices I shouldn't have made.
This week I realized what a lier I am. People always ask "how are you?" "what's going on?" But do I ever say bad, horrible, awful? No, I say I am good. Sometimes I say I am alright and the person doesn't even question it. Because people don't ask because they care, it's just what people say. Last Sunday a pastor at the church asked me how my week was. I responded it was ok. He said "Really? God put you on my heart to pray for you." I pause for a moment, remind myself this is a pastor, a really nice guy, and say "Actually I am being sued because I foreclosed on my house this year so I am being sued for the second mortgage on it. So it has been a pretty tough week dealing with that." His response? "Oh, well remember God loves you." and then walked away. Really!? That is your advise. Not lets pray or is there anyway the church can help. "God loves you." Golly gee I knew that. If I didn't I would killed myself by now. Dumb.
I have been avoiding calling my dad to talk to him about this. I needed to ask him if it was ok if in my bankruptcy I said I paid rent. I finally called tonight. Turns out dad doesn't think I should file bankruptcy. He thinks I should just wait for them to start taking money out of my check before I make a decision. I explain to him that I am about $100 short every month so i have $0 to pay towards this debt. His response, "I don't know. You should probably still just wait." Great. I will just sit on my hands hoping that they don't take my entire check one week causing all of my bills to go past due. You won't mind when I can't pay the cell phone bill and phone gets shut off when that happens right!
Ok, clearly I am frustrated. There is no right answer. I have mulled this over for a week and I still do not know what to do. I pray and pray and see no clear answer from God. He just asked me to stop taking jobs on the two most popular nights (I already turned down a job for last night.) And now what? What am I supposed to do?
As I said in my last post this self destruction is not helping at all. So today I made some plans. I have an exercise plan for the next 30 days. I added two trackers on the left of the blog one counting down the 30 days and one for my weight loss goal. I also made a plan for this week's school work. I don't want to run behind again and so planning it out makes the most sense. Maybe if I put some control in my life I will feel a little less frustrated by what I can not control. Probably not but it is worth a try. All I really know is that Friday at work I yelled at the kids. Like really yelled at the kids. I can't do that ever again. I still feel guilty about it. Maybe working in some warehouse by myself would be the best idea. I would make more money not yell at innocent kids. It would be my way of curling up in a corner and hiding from the world.