As my roller coaster of emotions starts going down hill I try to grab on to my comforts to keep me safe. But my comforts include binge eating and not on vegan foods. A week ago I told you about two financial blows. One was my financial aid, this got taken care of and I now don't owe the money school for the classes I am taking. The other is that I am being sued for the equity loan I took out on my house back in '06. A house that I foreclosed on in August. I contacted the supreme court and they said that I have twenty days to write a written response. I then take it down to the court clerk and pay $223 to have it filed. As if I just had $223 just lying around to file this. The whole thing is so frustrating. When I looked up info on this written response thing the internet agrees that you file a written response if you disagree with what you are being charged. If you do not make a written response then the judge will make ruling with no evidence from me. The problem is the judge can have my wages garnished. I only make $900 a month and I owe $16,000 plus whatever fees for filing the suit. So I want to file a written response so that I can explain that I am not paying because I don't have the money to do so. I want to show them how I don't make enough money to pay the bills I currently have and can not afford a new one. But what if they don't care. What if the judge will say, well you are guilty and just garnishing some random amount from my check. Was it worth the $223 to file the written response? I feel like I am am gambling with $223 and I don't gamble! From what I last heard I can file bankruptcy for around $300 and then I can get rid of some of the other debts I am trying to pay off too. Someone recommend I check into legal aid for free legal advise but looking online I am not sure that a civil suit is actually covered. I will call next week to find out for sure.
So the whole thing is a mess. I feel like there is no right answer. I trust God. I do, I really do. But it is scary because I have no idea what is going to happen. I could probably handle $100 a month but what if they take more? What will I do then? I know that it is my debt. I took out the loan so it is my fault. I didn't mean to loose my house. I didn't mean to promise to pay them back and then not be able to. I really am sorry.
I try to ignore all this. Pretend it isn't there. Knowing that I can't afford to do anything anyways so my only choice is to do nothing. But it weighs heavy. It is so very heavy. And I don't know how to deal with this. How do normal people deal with this? All I know to do is numb myself by eating or zone out watching tv. This evening at church I was crying and felt emotionally drained. On the way home I stopped at a couple stores and just walked the aisles. Sometimes just walking sometime praying.
Knowing that God will get me through and feeling like God will get me through are two different things.