At my new church the Senior Pastor had to have a heart bypass back in November. As a result one of the other Pastor's on staff (actually my favorite Pastor Dave who normally preaches Sat nights) took over on Sunday mornings. Well last week Pastor Buckley was finally able to come back on Sunday mornings. He had a two part sermon about achieving your dreams. It started with knowing if it is a dream created by a desire of the flesh or if it is truly a dream God has for you. Then this week we discussed things that could stop your dream from becoming a reality.
It was a great sermon I learned a lot and took a lot of notes but the thing that I just kept realizing is I don't really have "a dream." Though out life I have had some dreams about my career path that have come and gone but really the only "dream" that remains is being a wife and mother. Being that I will be 29 in 3 short weeks I go back and forth on whether I think this dream will actually become a reality. I usually end up just leaving it in God's hands, reminding myself he knows best. But besides that I have no other dreams.
As I thought about it more I realize that this is why I am so bothered by the teachers and parents at work who ask me what my plans are. They assume that I must have some desire past just working part time as an after school worker. The more people ask the more I worry that I must be doing something wrong, why don't I have a plan. Though usually I get defensive about it, not to them of course I politely say "no plans right now, I like what I am doing." I usually get some look or further questions why I don't want to achieve higher goals.
Sunday night there is a college and 20's group. I am almost out of my 20's and don't really feel like I fit in most of the time but I go anyways. We start with worship and praise and them break into groups for prayer and discussions. Tonight I just felt like I needed to be more focused toward God. I had already been cutting some things out of my life (like blogging) that was taking extra time. But honestly waking up at 5 or 6 am and sometimes working 11 hours straight with kids is exhausting and I just want to crash when I get home. So I have been modifying and changing things slightly to spend my time wisely. And a big part of that is I am spending a lot more time serving in the church and attending church more often. Which is great but I really haven't been spending quiet time with the Lord. So after worship and a short message from Jared (the pastor that leads it) I decided to spend time alone with God instead of with a group.
At the end I felt like I had accomplished nothing. I had no big revelation. God didn't speak to me. I praised Him, talked to Him about different things, and sat there in the quiet and the stillness of the room I was in. I continued to think about how I had no answer and was confused by the silence. As I drove home later I realized that I had had an answer but I had dismissed it. While talking with Jesus about having a dream and knowing what he wanted me to strive for and after some silence the thought crossed my head, "Well maybe I don't have one right now. Maybe I just need to take one day at a time." And I immediately laughed at that. As if this couldn't be the answer, I just wasn't hearing God or He wasn't ready to tell me yet. So on the way home I go, "DUH!" that is the answer.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know how this summer is going to work or if I will have enough work. I still haven't figured out my mortgage problem yet of whether I am keeping my house or not. But I know that right now, that this week, that today, this minute I am doing what I should be. I don't always make the right choice but I have been working on listening to God more. I have been working on doing what He asks me to do before the moment passes. ...I know that God has done amazing things for me. I know He loves me and that He wants the best for me even if I don't understand. And so trusting that He will take care of me 5 months from now, a year from now, five years from now. Because even if I knew the plan all I can do is take care of today. Do my best for God today. 2 Timothy 2:15 says "Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth." This is the Awana motto so I have heard it for years and yet today when Pastor Buckley read it it was like hearing it anew. God did so much for us and all He asks in return is for us to do our best because He knows we can't be perfect. But we don't do our best we let lazyness and distractions and get in the way.
So no, I don't have any big dreams and I am ok with that. I would love to be a wife and mother but that is not up to me, God knows what is best for me and although that is a frightening idea He has always taken care of me before and I know He will continue too.