I love to daydream. To let my mind wander to alternate paths for my life. To envision a life that I will not lead, like a fairy tale. This is how I come up with my NaNoWriMo stories in November. An idea that started as a daydream becomes words on the page. This week I have been daydreaming.
This week reality has been hard. My church family lost two members this week. One to a freak accident while changing his breaks, something I have done many times before myself. The other to a battle with cancer. I knew both in passing but I was not close to them. However all week I have seen the pain that my circle of friends have been going through. The stories and pictures the post or talk about. It is a reminder of how fragile we are and how we never know when our time is up.
For me I pull away from reality. I make up stories about the life I wish I was living. Dreams of marriage and children; now they even include ways of helping or living in Belize. As I sat in church tonight worshiping and praying I found myself kneeling at the feet of Christ and He didn’t want to hear a story. No, He wanted to hear my heart. To know how I felt and what I was going through. He didn’t want to hear about some fake version of myself but from the Angela He had created.
As I drove home I tried to think again back to the story in my head but I couldn’t. See the reality is I hurt because my friends are mourning the loss of their friends. I am confused about what is next with work and fear that I will not join the right company. I hate that I am not getting the hours I thought I would over the summer and that now I feel rushed to find something else to help me pay my bills.
It is okay to daydream, I am sure I will do it again in the not too off future. Doing it instead of feeling how I am feeling or instead of taking my emotions to Christ is not what I should be doing.