This year I am feeling old. I usually don't mind my age. I have lived each year learning and growing from the year before. Unlike most women I don't mind telling people my age. I have lived these years, why hide them? This year I will be turning 32 and for some reason it is really getting to me. It feels so…old.
I have thought about it. Why this year? What is different? It may be the time I am spending with college and 20's age people. Compared to these 18-26 year old's 32 seems so far off. I have also noticed the wrinkles around my eyes begin to appear and the greying hair of a friend my age. I think about the fact that I still have no boyfriend making me at least 2 years from marriage and at least 3 years from having a child. Although 35 is not too old have a child, it is getting very close to the too old to have a child age.
I have started to think about what I haven't done. I haven't lost the weight I had been hoping to for so many years. I have traveled some but not like I really wanted to when I was younger. I wonder if I have been adventurous enough, explored enough, been a witness for Christ often enough?
In the last couple weeks I have started hiking. It is nice to get out of the house and just hike. It clears my mind, gives me time to work thoughts through, and most important time with God. I realized this week there is a mountain less then 5 minutes from my house. How have I not realized this before? How did I miss before how beneficial hiking is for me both mentally and physically. So much better then hours and hours in front of the television.
It is said that we can only move forward. I can not change what I have missed out on or what has passed me by. Instead I have today and then tomorrow to take new steps on the path I desire.
Oh, and what will I do for my birthday? My birthday is Wed the 12th. On Fri the 14th - Sun the 16th I am going on a mission trip to Mexico with my church. We will serve in a variety of ways and I will pour out love on the children of Rocky Point.
About Me
Hi, my name is Angela and welcome to my blog. This is a place where I write about my life in an honest and open way.
I am 36 years old, single, and a Christian. God gave me a heart to work with children and so I spend my day teaching kindergarten. It is my fourth year teaching and although it is hard I love it. I currently go to a college for my BA in Elementary Education which keeps me busy. Between work and school there is not much time left but I enjoy serving and helping others, watching netflix, or reading a good book.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Bible Study
Back in September I started to volunteer for the college group at my church. It is called Refinery and meets every Sunday night. It was a small commitment with no real direction. I seem to have found my spot making new comers feel welcome, getting to know them and not let them sit alone. It actually surprised me at how well I do this and how comfortable I feel doing it. See I am generally an introvert and I am not one to go greet new people. I stay in the corner and keep to my self generally. However God, as always, knew what He was doing. See I know what it is like to stand in a corner. To want to go to an activity but simultaneously to not feel alone or overwhelmed by people. I watch people and see their mannerisms and can see how they are feeling through their actions. So I reach out to people the way, hopefully, they need it best. I can truly only do this with God's help each time.
It didn't take long to get invited to the actual leader meetings and get further involved. They also meet for game nights on Thursdays. I have a bible study that night so I often miss but over winter break I was able to go to about 6 of them. I loved just hanging out and inviting people to join us each week. I went camping for the first time with this group and will hopefully be going to Mexico with several of them in March.
One of the other leaders has been doing a bible study for women each week. She had casually invited me but I never made it. It has been on my heart to see about joining her at the end of January when she started a new group for the new semester. She contacted me first. She was starting co-ed group and was wondering if I would start my own woman's group to fill the hole. It is one of those things, clearly it was on my mind already placed by God. But I have never run a bible study before. What if I do it wrong? What if I don't have the right answers?
I continued to pray about it. Friday the Refinery bible studies randomly came up in conversation with a close friend. I mentioned the opportunity and my concerns and they were a total encouragement to go for it. Their confidence was so supportive. It again, a half hour later, randomly came up in conversation to the Refinery's Pastor's wife, she is a friend but I just wanted to clarify who. Now here we are 4 days later and we have a day, time, place, and topic all planned. She is going to help me since I am feeling a little less then confident and I don't really mind.
The plan for the content is to expand on what the Pastor teaches on Sunday night. This is the biggest thing I am thinking about at this point. I want to make sure I am not misrepresenting what Luke talks about. He is a powerful speaker and God has blessed Luke with this amazing gift. It's again weird because I know that that is what I should be teaching on but at the same time it worries me. I know the answer is to make sure that I am in the Word and in prayer listening. I believe God wants me to do this and now I need to trust and listen.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Some Days
Some days, like today, I wish there was arranged marriages. Not that I believe my parents would have actually found a great guy for me but I am seriously bad at finding relationships on my own. I am 31, nearly 32 and I am single. I have always been single. This is not to say I have never loved. There was a guy I loved once but he chose someone else. It was painful and complicated and I wasn't able let him go emotionally until I saw his wedding pictures. Then I promptly removed him as a Facebook friend.
I am hopeless at flirting. I don't know how to do it or I do it wrong; I don't know. There is this guy right now I am interested in and I think he might be interested in me. I haven't seen him in a week and I miss hanging out with him. I knew I would see him today and I was so excited. So excited in fact that I lost all of my words and passed by him without even saying hello. What is wrong with me?! What I wanted to do, what I should have done is placed my hand on his arm, looked him in the eyes and said hi. Instead I over think and I think about the other people present and what if I am wrong and he will think I am crazy. See, I swear I will be single forever. God better be sending me a man that take charge of the relationship because otherwise I am up a creek without a paddle.
I am hopeless at flirting. I don't know how to do it or I do it wrong; I don't know. There is this guy right now I am interested in and I think he might be interested in me. I haven't seen him in a week and I miss hanging out with him. I knew I would see him today and I was so excited. So excited in fact that I lost all of my words and passed by him without even saying hello. What is wrong with me?! What I wanted to do, what I should have done is placed my hand on his arm, looked him in the eyes and said hi. Instead I over think and I think about the other people present and what if I am wrong and he will think I am crazy. See, I swear I will be single forever. God better be sending me a man that take charge of the relationship because otherwise I am up a creek without a paddle.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Contradiction
I don't how I can love my job one minute and hate it the next. Some weeks I feel down right bipolar. Last week I was sick and had to call out for work and I hated it. I worried about who was watching my kids and teaching my class. Then on the other side I don't want to go to work so much that I often stay up way too late and sleep through the million alarms I set for myself. Days I somehow get myself up on time I still somehow end up being late to work. It is a miracle that I have not been fired yet.
It is so confusing to me how I can be so connected to this group of kids and then feel so totally and utterly frustrated by them. Though now that I type this out I realize how normal this really is. Although I do not have children of my own I have plenty of friends that do and this is exactly how they describe being a parent. The complete and utter love you have for your child even though sometimes they drive you so batty that you would sell them to the traveling circus. That really sums up how I feel.
On Monday I had the odd experience of having a fellow teacher in my class criticizing what I do and how I treat my students. She was supposed to be observing and assisting me as needed in my class as she is new to the company. She was very critical of me and did not like it when I did not agree with her. Over the past couple days I have run her complaints through my head. Scenario's of what had happened and how I could have handled it differently. Every time I come back to the fact that I was doing my best with the students at the time. Was each interaction completely perfect? No, but it was far from abusive or detrimental to the children in any way.
So here I sit at 10:30 at night, avoiding my bed because I don't want to wake up for work tomorrow. When mentally I have been defending my teaching and my kids for two days. To love and hate my job at the same time. It is such a weird conundrum.
It is so confusing to me how I can be so connected to this group of kids and then feel so totally and utterly frustrated by them. Though now that I type this out I realize how normal this really is. Although I do not have children of my own I have plenty of friends that do and this is exactly how they describe being a parent. The complete and utter love you have for your child even though sometimes they drive you so batty that you would sell them to the traveling circus. That really sums up how I feel.
On Monday I had the odd experience of having a fellow teacher in my class criticizing what I do and how I treat my students. She was supposed to be observing and assisting me as needed in my class as she is new to the company. She was very critical of me and did not like it when I did not agree with her. Over the past couple days I have run her complaints through my head. Scenario's of what had happened and how I could have handled it differently. Every time I come back to the fact that I was doing my best with the students at the time. Was each interaction completely perfect? No, but it was far from abusive or detrimental to the children in any way.
So here I sit at 10:30 at night, avoiding my bed because I don't want to wake up for work tomorrow. When mentally I have been defending my teaching and my kids for two days. To love and hate my job at the same time. It is such a weird conundrum.
Monday, December 9, 2013
The Truth
Hello my blog reading friends. I know it has been a long time and one of you (violinist) recently pointed this out to me. So the question is "How am I doing?" a great question but let me first tell you why I haven't been posting.
Here I blog about me. My truths. I put everything out their for you to read, the whole world to read. I try to live my life under the thought that if I am embarrassed by it I shouldn't be doing it. So with that I can post my life because I am not ashamed of it, or at least I shouldn't be. I write about everything. Personal life, church, I am careful with work posts, family stuff, everything. This is my journal. I have never really been fond of a hand written journal. I type so much faster then hand writing and so it closer to the rate the thoughts flow from my head. The speed is also a time saver I find. :)
So why? Why did I stop writing. I have been asked this several times, recently actually. I have had many excuses but I think the truth is that I was still hurt from what happened with I applied for the priorfatgirl blog. If you don't remember I had applied to be a regular poster on there. I made it to the top ten and then when I posted about myself on the blog I was torn apart due to my grammar. I tried hard to pretend it didn't hurt and I also worked hard at trying to teach myself better grammar. The truth is that every time I posted that was all I could think about. Did I make a mistake? Did I miss some grammar error that people are going to make fun of me for? Even a few lines ago I had to stop and correct a their to a there. So my posts became less and less as I became more and more self conscious of what I was putting out into the world to just be judged on. I spent more and more time on each blog trying to make sure everything was exactly correct.
Well no more. I am who I am. I struggle with learning names and I sometimes can't read a word that I have read a dozen or more times. Sometimes my brain just does not understand that there is a difference between their and there or loose and lose. I don't know why my brain is this way but I do know that I am okay with who I am. See because if you don't like my grammar then you don't have to read my grammar. And some days, like yesterday, I am going to post from my iPhone or I won't have time to re-read what I have written and so it may come out a little jumbled and confusing. I may mix up words and it won't be perfect. But I have so many more important things to think about and spend my time on then worrying about a random stranger on the internet not liking my grammar. So thank you to everyone who encouraged me to start posting again. I will.
***
A quick what have I been up to.
1. Received my AAS degree in Early Education
2. Currently work at a private preschool where I teach a class of 4 year olds full time.
3. I am still actively involved in my church, Living Streams. I help with nursery, sunday breakfast and have now added college leader mentor to the list.
4. I still think about the mission trip to Belize I took last May. I can't believe how long it has been since I was there.
5. Not going for BA yet, first year teaching is crazy enough on it's own.
6. Dealing with teeth issues. In Oct I had an extraction and a root canal. Then end of Nov the root canal cracked so now it has to be extracted plus I have another root canal to have done but the timing keeps not working out but I can't let it get worse because I am already down two molars I am not going to loose a third. - Brush your teeth and make your kids brush their teeth.
7. Finally got a smart phone, love it!
8. Not dating and haven't lost any weight recently just maintaing which is good.
Here I blog about me. My truths. I put everything out their for you to read, the whole world to read. I try to live my life under the thought that if I am embarrassed by it I shouldn't be doing it. So with that I can post my life because I am not ashamed of it, or at least I shouldn't be. I write about everything. Personal life, church, I am careful with work posts, family stuff, everything. This is my journal. I have never really been fond of a hand written journal. I type so much faster then hand writing and so it closer to the rate the thoughts flow from my head. The speed is also a time saver I find. :)
So why? Why did I stop writing. I have been asked this several times, recently actually. I have had many excuses but I think the truth is that I was still hurt from what happened with I applied for the priorfatgirl blog. If you don't remember I had applied to be a regular poster on there. I made it to the top ten and then when I posted about myself on the blog I was torn apart due to my grammar. I tried hard to pretend it didn't hurt and I also worked hard at trying to teach myself better grammar. The truth is that every time I posted that was all I could think about. Did I make a mistake? Did I miss some grammar error that people are going to make fun of me for? Even a few lines ago I had to stop and correct a their to a there. So my posts became less and less as I became more and more self conscious of what I was putting out into the world to just be judged on. I spent more and more time on each blog trying to make sure everything was exactly correct.
Well no more. I am who I am. I struggle with learning names and I sometimes can't read a word that I have read a dozen or more times. Sometimes my brain just does not understand that there is a difference between their and there or loose and lose. I don't know why my brain is this way but I do know that I am okay with who I am. See because if you don't like my grammar then you don't have to read my grammar. And some days, like yesterday, I am going to post from my iPhone or I won't have time to re-read what I have written and so it may come out a little jumbled and confusing. I may mix up words and it won't be perfect. But I have so many more important things to think about and spend my time on then worrying about a random stranger on the internet not liking my grammar. So thank you to everyone who encouraged me to start posting again. I will.
***
A quick what have I been up to.
1. Received my AAS degree in Early Education
2. Currently work at a private preschool where I teach a class of 4 year olds full time.
3. I am still actively involved in my church, Living Streams. I help with nursery, sunday breakfast and have now added college leader mentor to the list.
4. I still think about the mission trip to Belize I took last May. I can't believe how long it has been since I was there.
5. Not going for BA yet, first year teaching is crazy enough on it's own.
6. Dealing with teeth issues. In Oct I had an extraction and a root canal. Then end of Nov the root canal cracked so now it has to be extracted plus I have another root canal to have done but the timing keeps not working out but I can't let it get worse because I am already down two molars I am not going to loose a third. - Brush your teeth and make your kids brush their teeth.
7. Finally got a smart phone, love it!
8. Not dating and haven't lost any weight recently just maintaing which is good.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Service
This weekend I spent a lot of time serving. I usually try to be in the background but sometimes the way I am helping is in front of people. I don't mind especially when I am working with kids. I love that!
The problem with being in front of people are the comments. "Why do help so much?" "You are amazing!" "I can't believe all you do." "You make me feel so lazy." On and on with comments. It is nice. I appreciate the comments and everyone means really well. The problem is that after I hear this over and over I start to think about why I am doing so much. Then as I go to clean up church breakfast, by myself because my helper forgot and is sick. I walk into a dark and quiet gym and I just want to sleep. I push the carts to the kitchen and stare at them. "I don't want to. Can't someone else do this?" Then I stop myself and close my eyes as I lean against the cart full of work to do. "Why am I doing this?" I ask myself and I immediately know that I do it because He called me to it. I don't do any service because I want the praise or the recognition I do it because God has placed it on my heart to do it. He has given me joy with children, a contagious smile and an eye for details. So I as I remind myself of exactly why I am in the kitchen cleaning it is easy to go back to work. The work comes easy and I don't mind it.
The last church I went to people would often say to me "there is another jewel in your crown." At first I was confused I didn't understand what they were talking about. I hadn't heard this before. I was told that we are given a crown in heaven and when we serve Christ it adds jewels to our crown. This has never really sat with me well and honestly I have looked and there are no verses that actually say this. However in 1 Peter 5:4 it says when Christ returns we will be given a crown that will not fade away. There are many other verses that do say we will get a crown of righteousness and gold. This weekend we were singing a song during worship with the words of throwing our crowns at the feet of Jesus. I have sung this song many times before but this weekend in the midst of receiving praise it finally clicked. I don't know what kind of crown we will have or if their will be jewels on it but if there is I will throw it at Christ's feet because what I do is not for the jewels or the praise it is for my Heavenly Father who loves me dearly.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Only 24 hours
Time. We all have the same amount and yet we never feel like we have enough. I started a new job three weeks ago. I am working full time for the first time in 4 years. I was able to work part time previously as I was going to school. I had been hoping that with my AAS in Early Education I could get a good paying full time job, not so much. Even though my pay dropped with the additional hours I am making more then I was at my part time job. It is not my favorite job but it is in the field I love so that is enough for now.
Working full time is exhausting and definitely fills my day. However now I want to get my BA in Early Education. The problem? Can I handle this much to do in a day/week. I have always struggled in the past with working full time and going to school. I don't want to go and then drop out. I want to succeed and with that I need to be aware of my history with school.
Right now I am looking into Ottawa University. They offer online classes and they are 8 week courses which is exactly what I want. There is a discount because I graduated from a Maricopa Community College. If I go full time it will take 2 years but full time is a lot of work. Plus I will have the student teaching I will need to do. Which reminds me I need to find out how long those are.
At work I don't get a break. I work 8 hours straight through, which yes is legal here in AZ. This means I don't really have a lunch break. Sometimes I eat with the kids but not always as I float from room to room right now. This means that I am not always in a room when they are eating lunch. Breakfast is usually on the go. Sometimes I do the Ideal Shakes and other times I grab a granola bar or two to eat. My Fitbit (pedometer) shows I am walking over 10K steps a day now. I have doubled to tripled my steps from before. This is all good but I am not really loosing weight. I end up snacking during the day and then binging at night. So I make up my calories and then some everyday. I am hoping that for the fall I will be placed in a classroom making a regular schedule for me. I should find out next week and then figure out a better eating schedule from there.
So that is what is up with me lately. Busy, busy, and may get busier soon.
Working full time is exhausting and definitely fills my day. However now I want to get my BA in Early Education. The problem? Can I handle this much to do in a day/week. I have always struggled in the past with working full time and going to school. I don't want to go and then drop out. I want to succeed and with that I need to be aware of my history with school.
Right now I am looking into Ottawa University. They offer online classes and they are 8 week courses which is exactly what I want. There is a discount because I graduated from a Maricopa Community College. If I go full time it will take 2 years but full time is a lot of work. Plus I will have the student teaching I will need to do. Which reminds me I need to find out how long those are.
At work I don't get a break. I work 8 hours straight through, which yes is legal here in AZ. This means I don't really have a lunch break. Sometimes I eat with the kids but not always as I float from room to room right now. This means that I am not always in a room when they are eating lunch. Breakfast is usually on the go. Sometimes I do the Ideal Shakes and other times I grab a granola bar or two to eat. My Fitbit (pedometer) shows I am walking over 10K steps a day now. I have doubled to tripled my steps from before. This is all good but I am not really loosing weight. I end up snacking during the day and then binging at night. So I make up my calories and then some everyday. I am hoping that for the fall I will be placed in a classroom making a regular schedule for me. I should find out next week and then figure out a better eating schedule from there.
So that is what is up with me lately. Busy, busy, and may get busier soon.
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