I don’t know about you but when things start going crazy in my life I stop worrying about what I am eating. Thoughts about whether or not I am exercising do not enter into my mind. In fact when I start worrying about my weight I know that I am feeling better. About a week ago I stepped on the scale for the first time in over a month to see how I was doing. I am fluctuating around 280, which is not bad. In fact really close to where I was. After Wednesday when I made my final decision about work and school I naturally started thinking about starting to eat healthier.
Ok the truth is I started thinking about it Tuesday night. Six months ago I started attending a Celebrate Recovery group. It takes the basic principals and twelve steps of AA and adds in a lot more God. So instead of “Higher Power we actually say Jesus Christ. Meeting start and end with prayers, not just the serenity prayer like AA. The other thing is that it is for all types of issues. Many go for alcohol and drug issues. But sexual addictions, co-dependence are also issues. When I started going I said I was there for overeating and low-self esteem. As weeks went on I started saying I was there for depression as well, a common statement from attendees. For a few weeks there I only stated for depression because that was why I had gone that night. Where I attend men and women meet in different rooms. We start together in a big group and then separate into smaller groups where we go through books that help us go through the 12 AA steps and the 8 biblical principles. This Tuesday in opening I said I was there for depression but as we went through the questions later I started realizing some food issues I was having.
Tuesday night after work I went to Fry’s where I bought snickers ice cream bars, jello, cool whip, and a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips. I ate three of the snickers bars for dinner before going to my meeting. I had had a stressful encounter with my boss and that resulted in this binge eating purchase. The book was asking questions about what have you given control of over to God? What haven’t you? Why not? I knew immediately as I read the question that food. I have not given control of food to God. But why not?
My sister-in-law had checked the book “Made To Crave” out from the library and I had borrowed it last Saturday to read it. The tagline on the book describes it best “Satisfying your deepest desire with God, not food.” I had wanted to read the book for months now but never got around to it. I got it from my sil Saturday and then Saturday night during service they announce that two women will be leading a group through the bible study that goes along with this book. I was slow at reading the book this week. I would watch tv or play on pinterest instead. Then these last two days I really picked it up to read the book. At first I thought maybe I was struggling because I didn’t like the writing. I stuck with the book because I was still considering the class at church. This evening I realized that the problem is me. I don’t want to hear that God wants to help me through this struggle. I don’t want to hear that I might be using food instead of going to God with my problems. That I might be putting food above God. These are all things that I have heard, that I know. But it doesn’t make it any easier to hear.
As I have attended Celebrate Recovery meetings I have realized how much my food really is an addiction like alcohol or drugs can be. Part of me feels bad when I say this. Like I am dismissing how bad alcohol and drugs are. The consequences are different, the results to the body are different but the addiction is the same. I have heard from women who have been sober for years that say that everyday is a challenge. They go to parties where alcohol is there and they have to choose to make the right choice. They slip up sometimes and they have to start all over to get sober again. All of these are true with food. Everyday I have to make good choices. When I go out I have to decide to eat healthy. If I mess up I need to start again the next day not just give up.
The next eight months as I better myself by finishing school and learning how to budget regularly I also need to better my health. So here’s to our health. ‘clink’