The Truth

Hello my blog reading friends. I know it has been a long time and one of you (violinist) recently pointed this out to me. So the question is "How am I doing?" a great question but let me first tell you why I haven't been posting.

Here I blog about me. My truths. I put everything out their for you to read, the whole world to read. I try to live my life under the thought that if I am embarrassed by it I shouldn't be doing it. So with that I can post my life because I am not ashamed of it, or at least I shouldn't be. I write about everything. Personal life, church, I am careful with work posts, family stuff, everything. This is my journal. I have never really been fond of a hand written journal. I type so much faster then hand writing and so it closer to the rate the thoughts flow from my head. The speed is also a time saver I find. :)

So why? Why did I stop writing. I have been asked this several times, recently actually. I have had many excuses but I think the truth is that I was still hurt from what happened with I applied for the priorfatgirl blog. If you don't remember I had applied to be a regular poster on there. I made it to the top ten and then when I posted about myself on the blog I was torn apart due to my grammar. I tried hard to pretend it didn't hurt and I also worked hard at trying to teach myself better grammar. The truth is that every time I posted that was all I could think about. Did I make a mistake? Did I miss some grammar error that people are going to make fun of me for? Even a few lines ago I had to stop and correct a their to a there. So my posts became less and less as I became more and more self conscious of what I was putting out into the world to just be judged on. I spent more and more time on each blog trying to make sure everything was exactly correct.

Well no more. I am who I am. I struggle with learning names and I sometimes can't read a word that I have read a dozen or more times. Sometimes my brain just does not understand that there is a difference between their and there or loose and lose. I don't know why my brain is this way but I do know that I am okay with who I am. See because if you don't like my grammar then you don't have to read my grammar. And some days, like yesterday, I am going to post from my iPhone or I won't have time to re-read what I have written and so it may come out a little jumbled and confusing. I may mix up words and it won't be perfect. But I have so many more important things to think about and spend my time on then worrying about a random stranger on the internet not liking my grammar. So thank you to everyone who encouraged me to start posting again. I will.

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A quick what have I been up to.

1. Received my AAS degree in Early Education
2. Currently work at a private preschool where I teach a class of 4 year olds full time.
3. I am still actively involved in my church, Living Streams. I help with nursery, sunday breakfast and have now added college leader mentor to the list.
4. I still think about the mission trip to Belize I took last May. I can't believe how long it has been since I was there.
5. Not going for BA yet, first year teaching is crazy enough on it's own.
6. Dealing with teeth issues. In Oct I had an extraction and a root canal. Then end of Nov the root canal cracked so now it has to be extracted plus I have another root canal to have done but the timing keeps not working out but I can't let it get worse because I am already down two molars I am not going to loose a third. - Brush your teeth and make your kids brush their teeth.
7. Finally got a smart phone, love it!
8. Not dating and haven't lost any weight recently just maintaing which is good.

Service

This weekend I spent a lot of time serving. I usually try to be in the background but sometimes the way I am helping is in front of people. I don't mind especially when I am working with kids. I love that! 

The problem with being in front of people are the comments. "Why do help so much?" "You are amazing!" "I can't believe all you do." "You make me feel so lazy." On and on with comments. It is nice. I appreciate the comments and everyone means really well. The problem is that after I hear this over and over I start to think about why I am doing so much. Then as I go to clean up church breakfast, by myself because my helper forgot and is sick. I walk into a dark and quiet gym and I just want to sleep. I push the carts to the kitchen and stare at them. "I don't want to. Can't someone else do this?" Then I stop myself and close my eyes as I lean against the cart full of work to do. "Why am I doing this?" I ask myself and I immediately know that I do it because He called me to it. I don't do any service because I want the praise or the recognition I do it because God has placed it on my heart to do it. He has given me joy with children, a contagious smile and an eye for details. So I as I remind myself of exactly why I am in the kitchen cleaning it is easy to go back to work. The work comes easy and I don't mind it. 

The last church I went to people would often say to me "there is another jewel in your crown." At first I was confused I didn't understand what they were talking about. I hadn't heard this before. I was told that we are given a crown in heaven and when we serve Christ it adds jewels to our crown. This has never really sat with me well and honestly I have looked and there are no verses that actually say this. However in 1 Peter 5:4 it says when Christ returns we will be given a crown that will not fade away. There are many other verses that do say we will get a crown of righteousness and gold. This weekend we were singing a song during worship with the words of throwing our crowns at the feet of Jesus. I have sung this song many times before but this weekend in the midst of receiving praise it finally clicked. I don't know what kind of crown we will have or if their will be jewels on it but if there is I will throw it at Christ's feet because what I do is not for the jewels or the praise it is for my Heavenly Father who loves me dearly. 

Only 24 hours

Time. We all have the same amount and yet we never feel like we have enough. I started a new job three weeks ago. I am working full time for the first time in 4 years. I was able to work part time previously as I was going to school. I had been hoping that with my AAS in Early Education I could get a good paying full time job, not so much. Even though my pay dropped with the additional hours I am making more then I was at my part time job. It is not my favorite job but it is in the field I love so that is enough for now.

Working full time is exhausting and definitely fills my day. However now I want to get my BA in Early Education. The problem? Can I handle this much to do in a day/week. I have always struggled in the past with working full time and going to school. I don't want to go and then drop out. I want to succeed and with that I need to be aware of my history with school.

Right now I am looking into Ottawa University. They offer online classes and they are 8 week courses which is exactly what I want. There is a discount because I graduated from a Maricopa Community College. If I go full time it will take 2 years but full time is a lot of work. Plus I will have the student teaching I will need to do. Which reminds me I need to find out how long those are.

At work I don't get a break. I work 8 hours straight through, which yes is legal here in AZ. This means I don't really have a lunch break. Sometimes I eat with the kids but not always as I float from room to room right now. This means that I am not always in a room when they are eating lunch. Breakfast is usually on the go. Sometimes I do the Ideal Shakes and other times I grab a granola bar or two to eat. My Fitbit (pedometer) shows I am walking over 10K steps a day now. I have doubled to tripled my steps from before. This is all good but I am not really loosing weight. I end up snacking during the day and then binging at night. So I make up my calories and then some everyday. I am hoping that for the fall I will be placed in a classroom making a regular schedule for me. I should find out next week and then figure out a better eating schedule from there.

So that is what is up with me lately. Busy, busy, and may get busier soon.

Something New

So here I go again. Another attempt to shed the unwanted pounds. I have tried a million things before and none have really worked. I have been working on myself through Celebrate Recovery and other small groups I attend. With school, work, and a mission trip to Belize I have been so overwhelmed that my weight was not at the forefront of my mind. Now school is done, I am back from Belize, a week with my sister's family visiting is past and now I feel like it is time. Time to take a new step toward having a healthier body.

I know what you are thinking, what interesting (gimmicky) thing is she going to try this time? Glad you asked. For at least a year maybe longer I have been using protein powders and meal replacement powders off and on. It is easy and provides the nutrients that I need. Plus I am always on the go and these are fast and portable. Nature's Bounty has a new line called Optimal Solutions. This includes a shake mix in either chocolate or vanilla. I went through two containers of this. It tastes good but I can't get the powder to fully mix in. I normally use a blender bottle but also tried a mixer. I would say 98% of the powder mixes in but the other two percent stays in small chunks. I did buy a second bottle so it's not to annoying but something I noticed. I did run into a problem that it made me gassy. I am slightly lactose intolerant so I suspect it was the lactose but I don't know for sure. Concerned about lactose I bought a Naturade Total Soy meal replacement. I bought a large bag from Sam's Club in chocolate. This is good but it is very thick. I often add extra milk to thin it out. With both I use my soy vanilla milk.

As you know I am always looking for the next "fix" to this weight problem. Though some internet research I came across two shake based programs; ViSalus and Ideal Shape. Each use their shake as the base of their program and then provide additional products to supplement it. ViSalus provides only a vanilla powder and then with their kits include flavors that you can add to your shake. They have many supplements but the one I was thinking about is a hunger blocker pill. Many reviewers I saw recommended having these in addition. Ideal Shape has shakes in both vanilla and chocolate and their shake has hunger blocker included in the powder. They also focus on not just the food but on the mental aspect and their kits include hypnosis cd's. I have tried hypnosis in the past with no success so when comparing the two I did not include this aspect.

The cost of ViSalus is more expensive per month and from my research they have a  larger following then Ideal Shape. However through much online research it appears that Ideal Shape tastes better. In addition Ideal Shape leaves you fuller without having to take an added pill. Still the cost seemed high so I was hesitant and continued to look around. The internet, trying to be helpful, kept advertising GNC Total Lean products to me. So I went to see what they had to offer and how they compared. They have the shakes in over ten flavors. They also have hunger blocker pills to take as well. Checking reviews people seemed to find success using these products. The most interesting thing about the Total Lean is on their web site. It encourages you to take a Total Lean Challenge and then to find your plan. You put in your basic body type information and then it gives you a meal plan. No where on the meal plan does it tell you to use their product! Who does that? I figured the point was to get me to use your products but instead you are laying out a plan of healthy foods for me to eat. I love that!

So which did I select? I went with Ideal Shape. I bought a 60 day supply and included I have two hypnosis cd's that I will use as they lay out in their plan. I was shocked by how fast the products came but why wait right? I decided to also supplement it with a couple of GNC Total Lean products. First is a CLA pill that helps cut fat faster, specifically targeting the stomach area. The other product is their Pre-Diet Cleanse. It is a liquid that I drink four times a day between meals for two days.

I started the Pre-Diet Cleanse yesterday and am continuing it through today. I am supposed to only eat fruits and vegetables during the 48 hours so I am trying my best. Yesterday I started out with a strawberry smoothy for breakfast, had hummus and pita chips for lunch, and then dinner was a modge podge including a salad, cherries, and a cucumber. The drink isn't too bad. I mix 4 oz of the product with 4 oz of water. It has a citrus flavor but because it separates and I because I am supposed to drink it slowly the last gulp is usually the worst. At this point I haven't really noticed it do anything but will continue throughout today as well.

Tomorrow I will start my Ideal Shape plan. I decided that I want to try and replace two please with shakes and have a sensible dinner. The shakes are not many calories so I will include healthy snacks in between meals as well. I will try to keep you updated on how this all goes.

To Daydream

          I love to daydream. To let my mind wander to alternate paths for my life. To envision a life that I will not lead, like a fairy tale. This is how I come up with my NaNoWriMo stories in November. An idea that started as a daydream becomes words on the page. This week I have been daydreaming.

            This week reality has been hard. My church family lost two members this week. One to a freak accident while changing his breaks, something I have done many times before myself. The other to a battle with cancer. I knew both in passing but I was not close to them. However all week I have seen the pain that my circle of friends have been going through. The stories and pictures the post or talk about. It is a reminder of how fragile we are and how we never know when our time is up.

            For me I pull away from reality. I make up stories about the life I wish I was living. Dreams of marriage and children; now they even include ways of helping or living in Belize. As I sat in church tonight worshiping and praying I found myself kneeling at the feet of Christ and He didn’t want to hear a story. No, He wanted to hear my heart. To know how I felt and what I was going through. He didn’t want to hear about some fake version of myself but from the Angela He had created.

            As I drove home I tried to think again back to the story in my head but I couldn’t. See the reality is I hurt because my friends are mourning the loss of their friends. I am confused about what is next with work and fear that I will not join the right company. I hate that I am not getting the hours I thought I would over the summer and that now I feel rushed to find something else to help me pay my bills.

            It is okay to daydream, I am sure I will do it again in the not too off future. Doing it instead of feeling how I am feeling or instead of taking my emotions to Christ is not what I should be doing. 

Update

A couple days ago, on the 12th, I turned 31. I actually feel like I belong in a new category now. I am definitely don't feel in my twenties anymore. Of course it wasn't an overnight thing but more of a gradual change. I didn't really do anything for my birthday, free breakfast at Denny's on the 12th and dinner at Red Lobster with myself on the 13th. In a couple weeks I will go up to Prescott for a day and then the next day go up to Flagstaff to see a friend that just moved up there. 

Life is so hectic right now. I am in the final seven weeks of my associates degree. I am doing an internship, work, and three classes on top of that. In addition I am working on crafts for a craft fair for Belize and my roommates are changing. It is a lot!

Belize: Right now I have 40% funding! Praise the Lord!! But I still need 60%, close to $1000 more. So if you can help I would really appreciate your support. www.gofundme.com/20zyrg I am also posting updates here as I go along if you would like to check them out. We are doing a craft fair at my church after the Saturday service and both Sunday services the weekend of April 13th and 14th. We also got a spot at the Central Farmers Market for Saturday March 30th. I have been working on crafts including elastic hair bands, three flower head wreaths, and 10 paintings. Two of them are big but most of them are small so they didn't take forever but they are time consuming. I made all of these with the church craft fair in mind but with the addition of the Farmers Market I want to do a few more paintings. I do worry that I am going to take all this time and then they won't sell. I will end up with a wall of art after this. The only really bad part of this is the money that I am spending on the crafts, I need to make enough to at least cover the cost of making everything. So if you make any crafts and would be willing to donate them for me to sell that would be awesome as well. If you want to see the art I have made so far it is on my facebook page. 

Roommates: I currently live with my older brother and his wife. They will close on a house tomorrow and over the next week they will move out and my younger brother and his fiancé will move in. I get along with both of my brothers and sister-in-law's just as well. So it in itself is not a problem. But it is still a little weird having half the house in boxes. I have to replace, or try to find in my boxes a few random things like a toaster, spatula's, a router, etc. Oh, and apparently I only own one spice and now the spice cabinet is empty. All of the flour, sugar, and other baking items are also my brother's. It is a little weird that I am not moving but I need to buy a few things as if I was just moving somewhere. I keep feeling the need to make changes myself to my area. I have wanted to make changes for awhile but of course I need to wait till I get a full time job and can pay for the stuff I want with cash not credit. This should not change just because my brothers are moving but it definitely makes the desire to buy new stuff greater. At this point I have rationalized myself down to just wanting to get a new mattress while my dad has a trailer in town. I can't figure out how old my mattress is, I know it is not new by any means. I have a lot of sleeping issues. I have mentioned before that I take melatonin to help me fall asleep. I wonder if part of my problem is my mattress. So I don't know. I still can't decide. 

Internship: 80 hours in 12 days over three weeks = Exhausted. Teacher is going to observe me on day 10 and I am supposed to be the lead teacher. This seems crazy to me and yes I am totally nervous that I will have no control over the class when she comes. Five days left.

School: There is not much to say about this. I am done. I don't want to do any more school work. I feel so done with it. Sometimes I consider going straight to my BA but really I know there is now way I could do more school work after this semester. I will of course push through and get it done but I do not want to anymore. 

Stuffed

I, for as long as I can remember, have overeaten. Eaten continuously until I am stuffed and then past that. I don't know when it changed but I don't really do that anymore. Don't get me wrong I definitely overeat. I go over my calories and eat to much but I do not eat to the extent that my stomach is in pain. For my birthday I went with my dad to a Chinese buffet. I was good about eating only a little bit of different things. If I didn't like something I didn't continue eating it. I was pretty good about stopping when I was getting full and just grabbed a couple small desert items when I saw crab legs.

I have recently watched the first eight seasons of Deadliest Catch. Since I started watching I wanted to try actual crab legs. I had not had the chance until this moment. So I put down my dessert plate and grabbed two crab legs. I needed help from dad on how to get to the meat of the legs. Honestly it was a little weird at first to eat it. Knowing that I had just seen many live crabs and it is different since it the actual leg. This of course was just a momentary lapse and I enjoyed my crab. I don't think this will become a regular thing as I prefer someone else to do the hard work of getting the crab out of the legs for me.

All this to say that I ate way to much. My stomach felt really full and it was very uncomfortable. We had to stop at Home Depot quickly and felt so uncomfortable walking around so full. Tonight I went out to Red Lobster. A meal by myself for my birthday, a time of reflection and thought. The last time I went I way overate. It has been many months, I don't remember when, and I regretted it the moment I did it. Today I didn't do that. I ate till I was full and I stopped. There were still shrimp and lobster on my plate but I did not finish it just finish it. It wasn't until after the waiter took my plate that I had connected this. That I had no interest in overeating to the point of pain. I think this is a huge accomplishment.