Fighting for Me

For the last four weeks I have been attending a group at my church for the Made to Crave book. I think I mentioned it before. It is a book talking about how we were made to crave. The problem is we were made to crave God but instead we crave all these other things instead. Specifically she talk about food. My favorite part are the versus she brings to our attention. Verses and parables that I have read a million times but never saw the application toward food. The focus for the verses were always somewhere else but she brings a light to them that I have never seen before. One example is in Genesis 25:27-32. 

     "The boys grew up, and Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the open country, while Jacob was    content to stay at home among the tents. Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob. Once when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau came in from the open country, famished. He said to Jacob, "Quick, let me have some of that red stew! I'm famished!" Jacob replied, "First sell me your birthright." "Look, I am about to die," Esau said. "What good is the birthright to me?"

      Here we see two brother Esau and Jacob. The younger brother, Jacob, wants Esau's birthright and takes advantage of Esau being in a desperate place. The author of Made to Crave, Lysa Terkeurst, asks us if we really think that Esau was on the brink of death. Or is it possible that maybe he was simply exaggerating. In your life have you ever said that? "I am starving to death." Which is then followed by why need to eat at the drive-thru or too many calories. I definitely hear myself saying this in my life and am working on changing it now. So I like the book and the bible study it is good.

The problem is that there is a woman in the bible study who, since I first met her four Wednesday's ago, has looked at me with disgust. She rolls her eyes when I talk or afterwards whispers something funny to her friend. She makes a point not to sit next to me. The first night I sat there trying to figure it out. I must be misunderstanding but the longer that I sat there I realized I was reading her exactly right. So when I got to my car I started to cry. My emotions couldn't handle the fact that I was supposed to be in this safe environment, a class at my church for people with food issues, and this woman who I have never met before hate's me. 

I went back and forth all week as to whether I would go back. I decided I wouldn't let her bother me. I had paid $30 for these books, that I couldn't afford. I wasn't going to let her determine what I did. So I went back and it didn't get any easier. I wouldn't talk during the meeting afraid of what she might do or say about me. It wasn't like she and her friend were trying to hide either. They were making it very clear to me that I was not liked. Last week I decided I needed to confront her on this. I was prepared to do so. She showed up late, not a problem I would do it after. But next week she is going in for a hysterectomy to remove cancerous cells so the last ten minutes of class was prayer for her and healing. Which I still prayed for her of course. But how do I confront her on the fact that she hates me for reason  after that?

I walk out of the class, saying goodbye to no one. I get down the hall and out the door and I burst into tears. It is so infuriating that she is taking this from me. That she is making this an unsafe place for me to be both mentally and physically. All I can think of doing is stuffing my face with food. I sat in the parking lot for ten minutes crying and being upset. I didn't want to leave with all of those unresolved emotions because all I could think of was a giant burger, fries, and a banana spit at Denny's. On my way home I struggled with the decision still. I hadn't eaten dinner like I had I planned to do and so I was starving. I made it home. It felt like such a victory. I still battled with the fact that I still needed to eat something. I stayed within my calories, another victory. 

As my 400 calorie frozen pizza was in the microwave I sat down in front of my computer. I typed out an e-mail to the two leaders of the Made to Crave bible study. I was truthful and explained how this woman did not like me and was not being polite about it. I was truthful about the stress coming to class was causing me. I was truthful as I told them I would not be attending class anymore.

Now none of this has to do with Made to Crave. I still plan to finish the bible study on my own. I asked if I could borrow the dvd when they are done with it. I don't think church is a bad place. Of the dozen women going to that class I can say all but the two are amazing women. One of the things we talked about in this class is how wounded people wound people. I had noticed both on week one and week three that when she talked about her overweight mother she had the same look of distaste she has when she looks at me. I think she is just wounded. I pray for her and her mother. I was hoping I could help her recognize what she is doing to me but I seemed to have missed my chance. I am not sure she would have admitted it anyways. 

Tonight was a fight. It was a huge battle with my past trying to pull me back. It scares me that if this is day three then what am I going to face in the future. So I try to remind myself that God is here and He wants to help me through this. God is who got me through tonight, under calories. God will get me through each day going forward. If I am just willing to ask for help.