As I sit here on the plan I thought I was going to write up my blogs about Chicago and other adventures I had gone on. But as I sit here all I can think about is how I just left my family behind. Yes I am flying toward my brothers and my dad but it is different with them. I pause before I say this because it could sound mean but it is true. I didn’t really think about and miss being in Phoenix. I thought about work a few times but I never really wished I could hang out with Teel and Mandy or Heath. And yet over the two months my sister and her family have been gone I thought about them a lot. They are all so very important to me.
When I was going out I thought, oh I should make sure that I spend time with all the kids don’t leave anyone out. But the thing is I didn’t have to think about it. I get along so well with everyone that there were plenty of times I just spent time with each person. Ok I realize this sounds a little weird so let me clarify I think it had to do with my step neice and nephew. I don’t see them very often and so I never know with them. Justice is a teenager now and I wasn’t sure how I would connect and I don’t know I just worried. But it is just so natural. My sister pointed it out as we were in the airport that first day I fit right in as much as I did the 16th day.
And so again I find myself wanting to move to Davenport with my sister. At least once while I was there I did searches for apartments in the area. But again I have to remind myself and ask is my life in davenport or am I simply trying to follow my sister through her life. Yes I love my sister so very much and flying back and forth is expensive and hard to do with figuring out time off and then having to leave again. But one of the biggest things about home that kept coming to my mind was church. I am coming home on Thursday so I can go to church on Sunday. I feel I have commitments there and I think fo right now it is where I should be.
I have said it before I am not that committed to my jobs. I think I want to start looking for full time work. Part of that is because right now I feel like I couldn’t move because of how much debt I have and a full time job would provide more pay. But I am also frustrated with my current boss and nervous about the new girl I will be working with and if we will click or not. Obviously these could be the same problems at a new job but…I don’t know we will see. I hate quitting it is so hard to do.
I sit here and think. Maybe I could sleep on her couch? It wasn’t that bad. Or Kalvin has a big room maybe will switch him with Justice and then I could share with her. She is only there every other week anyways. But I know that is not ideal. I can’t share a bed room I am nearly 30 and I need to live on my own. So if I can’t afford the cost to move and the cost of a place to live on my own then it isn’t right. She had offered me her basement before she moved. It turns out the basement is kind of creepy and the floor floods and there are wires all over the place. So not really habitable. She had been hoping she could even make it a guest room for when someone came to visit but it needs a lot of work before that can happen.
Any way I look at it I am just sad to leave. I didn’t cry because I am not a big cryer but I got through security and sat down and my heart just hurt. I just sat there thinking of pretty much nothing just feeling what I was feeling.
Tirso is 3 and his reaction explains it perfectly. April called him over to us and told him it was time for me to leave. He came right over and gave me a hug and a kiss and said goodbye and then walked away both sad and angry. Knowing there was nothing he could do to change the fact that I had to go to my home. I still remember the first night he hadn’t seen me in two months and was totally excited at the airport he couldn’t get himself out of his stroller fast enough to come hug me. It was a night flight so we went to the house, ate dinner, and watched a movie and it was time for bed. He got so upset because he was scared that I was going to leave again that night. He didn’t want to go to bed in fear that I would be gone again. We had to explain how I was going to sleep on the couch and would be there in the morning.
I am so thankful that I got to spend so much tiem with them. I got to see where my nephews will be going to school. I was able to be there for my sister as she started applying for jobs at local high schools. I loved watching Sons of Anarchy with Garrett, water fights with Kalvin, playing tiny tower with Justice, watching cartoons with Isaiah and reading books to Tirso. I even enjoyed hanging with my brother-in-law who loved to give me a hard time about the dumbest things. And yes while we were there we ate out way too much and saw all of the sites. But I think without any of that it was an amazing trip and I am so lucky to have such an amazing family.