Stuck

It feels like my frustrations keep growing. As I try to figure out what all is going on in my head I realize more and more the things I have been ignoring. Like my finances. For months I have been avoiding my finances I even went to see my sister ignoring what i knew I shouldn't ignore. Tonight, since I was feeling depressed anyways, I did my finances. I don't make enough money to pay my bills. Which is why every month I come up short. There was a time I was doing ok but a few hours here got cut and then a few hours over got cut. And I used to not mind not making a lot of money because I was so happy with what I was doing I didn't mind. But honestly that is just not the case anymore. I have found myself more and more frustrated all the time. And I try to ignore it, I try to play it off or try to be positive but the truth is I just don't care anymore.

I just want to pay off my debt and be done with it. I want to pay back my dad and not worry if I will be able to pay all of my bills each month. But I still want to live to please God. And I still want to be happy. Happy is hard and so very fleeting. I have been looking at other jobs and I realize I do not want to sacrifice my Sunday mornings. I feel like I made a commitment and I enjoy helping at my church. So then I have to try to find a job that will be flexible enough not to make me work on Sunday's. And do I want to go back to an office or work with kids still. I almost want to stop working with kids because it just reminds me that I might not have my own. But I can't deny that working with kids is a gift God gave me. So then do I look into nanning full time or working at a day care center. And then I have to think about the interview process and the pain of reminding myself how I have no education. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I feel like what I am doing right now is not what I want but I don't know where I should be instead. But I don't want to stay just because it is the easy thing. Though staying in jobs you don't like is not actually easy. I am so very confused!! It is another one of those times I wish God would just show me what i should do and the path I should follow. It again makes me want to cry but of course that is not helpful.

So I am just confused all over. It is like this mid-life crisis or something. Wish my life was different and wanting a different job and I don't know what to do with myself. Plus I am now eating different too. So much stress. I don't like it very much. But I know, nobody does. I mean I knew I couldn't work at a part time job forever, it just wasn't practical. But I every time people asked me about it I would just push it away, that it was something I would have to worry about some other time. So I guess my time is up. Time to face reality. Bleh, reality!

Anyways, I will keep you updated.

Feeling Emotional

Let's see where to start. I guess with this week's weight loss! This week I am down 3 lbs to 267!! Yea!! I was looking at my past weight history. I haven't been down to 265 since my birthday in March, so awesome! Today was so very tricky. Today was my church's 27th Anniversary and so they had a picnic lunch. I helped volunteer and we had barbeque chicken and pork, pasta salad, coleslaw, chips, and brownies. The meat wasn't hard to not eat but man did I want those soft delicious brownies. Actually last night I went to help for a little while. They had been cooking the pork all day and the smell of it filled the entire gym. Most people thought it smelled great but honestly I was a little sickened by the smell. I had no interest in eating what I was smelling. I was able to help with the meat because I don't care if other people eat it.

I am still trying to learn how to balance calories. I am also learning to remember to eat my leftovers. I am so bad about leftovers always forgetting to eat them and then having to throw them away. But this week I have been pretty good about getting to them before it was too late. One day I almost ate way too many calories before 3pm but luckily caught myself before I finished eating. Did I mention that I use an ipod app called Lose It to track my calories. So i was in the middle of eating some burrito's and was entering them into my app and realized, whoops too many. But it is ok I figure. Some days I am up and some days I am down. Yesterday i went over because I had a lot of carbs in the morning but then at night I went over with an apple and a banana because I was hungry. But I was down almost every day this week so it averages, right? It must seeing that I was down for the week. I did find it handy to have my weigh in after the lunch at church today because it definitely helped keep me from eating those brownies. Can you tell the brownies are still on my mind? That is alright I went to Fry's and got some vegan cookies to eat instead.

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Ok, now on a totally different note. I am feeling so out of place right now. Being single and 29 totally sucks. Who am I supposed to relate to. Single people, right? Well single christians are all in college and other single people just go out to drink which I don't do. So then the christians that are my age all are married and most have kids and although I work with kids and love kids it just isn't the same. And it's not like I am choosing not get married, like I am choosing to not have kids. This isn't a choice. So why.... Sorry. I try to ignore my loneliness but sometimes it is hard. Like at the picnic today at church. I had planned, instead of helping, to participate and eat with friends. But then I realized I don't have friends to sit and eat with. I have been going to this church since January and I love it and learn, grow, and serve. But I am still me and I still have problems making and keeping friends. Sometimes I wish I was just normal. That I could be like all those other people with friends that hang out and have fun together and yet instead it is just me.I didn't mean to get so depressing, and maybe part of it is because I was watching a depressing movie while I type this. But this is my truth even if it sucks.

Everyday is a challenge

My brother said to me "you sure do eat a lot of pancakes." And it is true. Lately I have been having pancakes nearly everyday for one of my meals. It isn't hard to figure out why, because they are sweet. Whether I am using my vegan chocolate chip mix or just the regular vegan whole grain mix that I add syrup too I am getting something sweet to eat. I miss eating sugar! I tried to by cookies but I literally could not stop myself from eating the entire box which is over 1000 calories and just not ok. So I don't by them anymore. So pancakes have become my outlet. I know this isn't going to work long term so I started thinking about it. One thing is I haven't gone to a grocery store in nearly two weeks which means I have no fresh fruits or veg in my house. But I should be eating more of this, in fact every single day I should have at least 1 piece of fruit and one serving of veg but I haven't been getting that lately. So tonight I went to the store and bought a few things including apples, a pair, banana's, and strawberries to help sweeten my life. The other thing is that I can still eat soy yogurt. So I am thinking that in the evening's a serving of soy yogurt maybe with some almonds or granola would satisfy my sweet tooth.

The problem is that I keep wanting horrible things. I literally sit around distracting myself until it is too late to go out and get that sweet thing I want. And before you say "what about moderation" I will point you back to the cookies, I can't do it! I don't have the will power right now! I bought a bag of mini cruellers, I ate the whole thing in one sitting. I stopped at QT for 1 donut, I left with three and ate then in less than 20 minutes. So for the last two hours I have wanted to go to Fry's under the idea that I was buying flavored carbonated water but really going to buy some ice cream or chocolate or donuts. But I can't hide from myself, I can't trick myself. So I pull out all my lazy skills and ways of procrastinating until it is too late to go and get anything.

One thing that does help is the scale. Officially I use my brothers Wii Fit to weigh in but I have a scale I keep in my room that is a little less accurate but can help motivate in a pinch. September 1st I weight in at 279. At the end of the 6 day detox I was down to 270. In the following week I gained back 4 lbs taking me back up to 274. But this sunday I dropped the 4 lbs again and am at 270 again. Which means that over the last two weeks monitoring my calorie intake and eating vegan and more naturally is really working. Now the scale in my room says instead of 270 it says 277. I go to step on the scale this evening and it says I am down to 274. Now I know it isn't completely accurate and I know that it is a different time of day which also effects it. But knowing that being halfway through the week and I may be down a little is totally motivating to help me keep up with what I am doing and not sneak out for donuts. (By the way I have had a cold this week and didn't feel like eating so I was way under my daily calories so far this week.)

I will be honest I have not been perfect. I sometimes have something with a little dairy in it. On Friday I was awful and ate non-vegan all day including In-and-Out for dinner. I went 2000 calories over my daily limit so the next day I worked out hard and was under my calories because I knew the day before was a mistake. I got sick Sunday night and took Monday off work. Tuesday I had bought a salad for lunch at work but by the time I got to it, it looked gross so I ended up at Taco Bell having a Beef Grilled Stuff Burrito. I had planned to get something vegan when I went but then caved too scared to ask for modifications. So stupid of me!

Someone asked me, today actually, if I feel different after eating non-vegan. But the answer is no. I haven't been vegan long enough for my body to get upset when I give it meat again. But of course the longer I go with out meat the more careful I will have to be.

I have not been working out, except last sat. I know I really need to exercise it is so good for the body. My cold is mostly gone and is all above the neck so I think tomorrow I will pull out my step machine to use while watching all the new fall shows.

Something for me

This morning when I woke up I knew I had a full day. I would leave at 7 am and not get home till after 9:30 pm. I am not usually away from home so long. This morning when getting ready I knew I wanted to wear a dress or skirt but wasn't sure exactly what. I quickly picked a long maxi dress, it is all black besides some embroidery just below the bust line. I did not want to go sleeveless today but the v-neck neck undershirt I usually wear with it was no where to be found so I ended up with a high collar. Even as I walked around the house it felt uncomfortable. I just didn't want to wear it but didn't have time to go do a wardrobe change. So this is how I left my house.

My hair was in a ponytail, I had forgotten to put earrings in and felt way too covered up (and if you know me I am very modest so this is weird.)

First thing this morning was going to Phoenix Children's Hospital to pick up the kid I nanny (he had an early Dr appointment) and then take him to school. Everywhere I went I felt uncomfortable in what I was wearing and just wanted to not be seen. Up next was church. At my church a woman's group meets Wednesday morning from 9 am to 11:30 am. We sing praise songs, we listen to the woman's director, and then go to small groups. I love it! I hate it when I miss it. This morning because of the Dr. appointment I was already going to be late but I couldn't get myself to drive there. Instead I ended up at Target. At least once before, and really what girl hasn't, gone to the store to get something new to wear instead of what they have. Once before my same Wednesday morning group I realized that my undershirt was not covering all of my bra, and again I am very modest about such things, so I went and got a new one and changed when I got to church. So I thought no big deal I will go in and find a new shirt to wear underneath and be on my way. I ended up taking 5 things into the dressing room; 2 shirts to try under my dress and then a skirt with two blouses that would work with it. Although one of the blouses was really cute I put it back and got the shirt that would work with my dress and put everything else back that didn't work. Then on the way to the check out I walked through the accessory area, which is so conveniently places on the way, and found some earrings that perfectly matched my shirt. I made my purchase and I was on my way.

I pulled out of the parking lot and drove toward the freeway, still not wanting to go to church this morning. I always want to go, "I really enjoy it" I reminded myself as I got on the freeway. But I found myself getting off at the next turn off. I didn't want go. I used the excuse that now I would be and hour late and I always have to leave a half hour early so what was the point. And then I started using that I was hungry so I couldn't go, which is silly since they serve food lots of food there including fruits and veg that I could eat on my vegan plan. My lame excuses weren't fooling me but I just wasn't feeling it. I was craving a donut but how would I find a vegan donut so I pulled into the Whole Foods plaza thinking I am sure I can find something there. Knowing I still had nearly 2 hours till I had to be to work the idea of a pedicure kept coming in my mind but I kept pushing it away knowing that I had already spent money on myself today. Next to the Whole Foods is a Beauty Brand. There was a parking spot right there so I parked and decided to look around. And next thing I know I am having my hair cut.

Now let me give you some back story incase you don't remember. My sister is a hairstylist and she has been for the last 18 years. I have always gotten my hair done by her. In fact the one time I was mad at her and went to a Great Clips I was very sorry later. Since my sister moved I have been putting off having my hair cut even though I have really wanted to have it done. I always have one excuse or another not to go. I once even made an appointment somewhere and then cancelled when I was offered extra nanning hours. So when I went in to Beauty Brands a hair cut was not really on my list. I knew they cut hair and that they offered other services so I did stop to look at the prices of a manicure or pedicure and couldn't help glance at the prices. They weren't too bad; $25 for a stylist and $35 for a senior stylist, but I brushed off the idea and kept looking around. I was still mulling on the idea when the sales rep asked if I needed help so I asked if there was a hair dresser available and there was. So I sat down and had my hair cut.

It was kind of weird because my sister always just did my hair. I gave her some direction but she knows me and she knows my hair so she figured it out. The woman, Cindy Senior Stylist, asked me lots of questions about what I did with my hair and what products I used and on and on. Plus I am not good at small chat and she kept trying to get me to talk but sitting silent is fine with me. With my sister of course there is plenty to talk about because she is my sister but with a stranger that doesn't really care about me why am I going to pour out all the details of my life. So it was mostly awkward and then she took forever making my hair perfectly straight. It was crazy how long it took. And then because she took so long although we had discussed the fact that I wanted my hair blown dry before I left and that it was included she tried to send me away without drying it. I am sorry it took you an hour to cut my hair but that is your fault, I asked for the easiest cut like ever. Seriously 4 inches off all around around my head even, oh and my hair is curly so it is never going to look perfectly straight anyways. So I made her blow dry it anyways, it is included and I hate leaving a salon looking like a wet puppy dog. I am not sure if I will go back or not, that is yet to be determined. So below was my new look.

I know totally hot, right? I was now a little sad I wasn't showing off my hotness to anyone important. :)

Afterwards I did feel a lot more confident and comfortable in my skin. I went to Whole Foods, grabbed something to eat and then headed to work. I kind of feel like maybe God was keeping me from church. I mean it could have been satan but usually I can overcome the excuses he gives me. Today it was something more. I don't know maybe I just needed some mid-week pampering. Either way I have made it through my day a bit happier then when I started.

Mid - September Reflections

Being vegan has been been very two sided. On one hand the food is good and it is filling and I am still getting lots of protein and their are lots of options available. Some days, some moments it feels effortless; I wonder why it has taken me so long to eat like this and I feel like I could eat like this forever. But on the other side, maybe 15% of me, hates it. I still have major cravings usually at night for things. It isn't usually too specific often just for something sweet. I have been having things like pita chips and hummas or tortilla chips and salsa as my late night snack. But my brain is used to eating something sweet and it is very hard to change. I seem to have found a way to appease it by having a slice of toast with peanut butter and honey and that works. The other problem, which is totally embarrassing, but I have had lots of stinky gas the last few days. It is totally gross! I am honestly worried about going to work tomorrow. I read up on it and it is totally natural because your body has to work harder to process the less processed food and that can create gas. All I know is tomorrow I am going to the store and buying gas-x or something to stop this. I have had broccoli the last two days and I have noticed it has gotten worse after eating broccoli and after watching years of tv I have seen my share of Beano commercials to know that gas after fiber is normal.

Overall the benefits still out way the negatives but in those moments when i just want to run to the store to buy real ice cream or grab a burger it is hard. Actually it has been less burgers and more a craving for Arby's. I still feel like I am thinking a little clearer but I don't know if that is the lack of caffeine or the diet that is causing it. I do want to stay committed to eating vegan through the month of September. I figure 1 month is not a long time to try this. I have also been frustrated that I am not magically loosing weight and I try to remind myself it doesn't work that way. I have noticed that is much easier to stay under my calorie count for the day eating this way then when I was eating junk. I have no other reason to attribute to this except that the natural food is more filling then processed food with the same calorie count.

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On a different note besides just food I have had some more free time. I had decided to cancel my Netflix instant option and with the end of the summer seasons I have run out of shows to watch on Hulu. This has allowed me time to go through the 14 books form the library and I am taking back 9 of them tomorrow. What I also remembered was the list of things I wanted to do this year. I went and reviewed my list and I have done a few, are in the process of doing another, and making plans to do the rest. I know that is so very general but I will write more about it soon.

Set Backs and Successes

Yesterday went well until I was in the middle of my Wed night class. I wanted ice cream. In fact the craving was specific, I wanted a Snickers ice cream bar. I would love one or half a dozen of those. Then of course it translated to any ice cream. But I reminded myself of why I don't want to eat ice cream, it is addictive. Then I remembered that I have milk and cookies at home that I can eat. I was fine and then I ate way too many. I had 4 cookies which was a little too much but still within my calorie limit. Then I ate four more which was way to much. I felt sick after eating them because it was just too much food.

So a new day a new start. For breakfast I started with some cereal, I had bought some Whole Foods brand Protein & Fiber Crunch. It wasn't bad at all. I followed it up with an apple. One dilemma with fruit is that I can't just bite into it because I never got adult teeth in my front lower position, I still have baby teeth in that spot. Anyways I just say this because it means I have to cut up my apple. Now this is embarrassing but honest, eating apple caused my gums to bleed. I am so used to eating processed foods that are soft and chewy that my mouth isn't used to hard foods. I immediately had to go floss and brush. Hopefully it won't take long to get past this.

For lunch I had packed a crunchy peanut butter and grape preserve sandwich on locally made whole wheat bread, 1 oz of almonds, and a fruitables juice box. It was good. The challenge though was the food around me. There was pizza from Costco right in front of me, it smelled so delicious. But I got passed I was strong. Then I go into the lounge to eat my lunch and read a book and there were cupcakes in there. I used to eat two or three when they were available and it was hard to not eat them. I again reminded myself that there is no nutrition in the cupcakes and so I stayed away. When I got home I decided to try the frozen pizza I had bought. It was a Tofurky supreme pizza. It uses a soy cheese from Diaya and the meat is made of Tofu, it also has lots of vegetables including zucchini. I hate zucchini!

But I decided to try it and it was great! It was a thin crust and it tasted really good, I was very surprised. I still have a few calories left and I have no cookies left I think maybe some chips and salsa for dessert. Kind of a weird dessert but a new way of thinking.

So far so good. I am so proud of myself for what I have already overcome.

Kaeng Raeng Review and on to New Adventures

Overall I am really glad I did Kaeng Raeng. I did the six day beginner program and went from eating total junk to this. My beginning weight was 279.5 my ending number is 270.2 so nearly a 10 lb loss in 6 days. Currently I am still retaining, and have been since day 3, lots of water and am up a pants size due to this. During the process I went #2 a lot which lets me know that hopefully this was actual fat that I was loosing and not just water weight. I know that some of the weight will come back on but hopefully not too much of it. Though I did not do this for just weight loss I did this to help detox my body before I switched to a vegan lifestyle. So on that side of it I feel great. My thoughts seem clearer, besides having to get up to pee a lot I am sleeping much better. I even noticed more energy and will power to do household chores. I have suffered depression all my life, most symptoms are regulated by medication but I still deal with some on my day to day life. Well I think some of those have subsided as well. I like how I am feeling. I would do this detox again but only 3 days, I think 6 days is too many. I also wouldn't do it for many months because I am done with blended drinks for a little while.

As I mentioned before I did this detox as a transition to eating vegan. It is a very healthy way to eat and so I want to give it a try. I am not peta member fighting animal cruelty but I think that our meat and dairy is filled with antibotics and hormones and other things that my body does not need to have. But really it is about not eating processed foods and eating more natural foods. Yes, I could eat vegan cookies and cakes all day but that is not my plan. I don't even plan to have a twinkie which is also vegan. I want to eat more fruits, more veg, more grains, more beans. I even bought a couple frozen meals with tofu in them to try before I try to cook it on my own. But there are just so many options. Soups, chili, burrito's, taco's (with soy meat,) chips with hummus or salsa. All kids of salad variations. It was actually hard to stop and remind myself that I can't try everything the first week and to wait to buy stuff in the future. It took my an hour and fifteen minutes to red labels and find what I wanted yesterday at whole foods. I decided to start at whole foods just to see what they had and compare prices. I work right next to the fancy signature marketplace Fry's and they have a great selection of foods and they actually put stuff on sale so I will most likely find myself there or even at Fresh & Easy for fresh produce. I know that I will struggle with veg as I always have. Even yesterday I only came home with 1 head of broccoli, I can do better.

Today I started my day with two slices toast with chunky peanut butter and a banana. For lunch I went to Chipotle and got soft taco's with rice, beans, tomatoes, and salsa. I should have gotten some guacamole too but it is just so new to me I have to get used to ordering it. I have church tonight so for dinner I am going to do a quick stop at Paradise Bakery. It is not totally vegan but I am going to order their southwest chicken caesar salad and get it with no chicken or cheese. Their is still some dairy in the dressing but I am just going to do it anyways. I have grown up eating ranch and I don't like other dressings. At whole foods I found a ranch with no dairy but I think sometimes this is going to happen. A little dairy isn't going to ruin everything plus I know that I plan on trying new dressings to help me learn to like other options.

The rest of the week should be a little easier because I will just pack a lunch and can go home for dinner. Wednesday's are hard because I have church in the morning, work all day and then church in the evening. But I will figure it out.