Right now I am happy. At least once every day it dawns on me how happy I am feeling. If you read my blog often you realize how weird this is. You may be thinking, well you are just at your high right now. But I am not! In fact my life is very complicated right now. There are like a dozen things going on in my life and each one is complicated. And yet here I am feeling content and happy.
So I am sure you are wondering what all is going on? Well, like I said its all complicated and several things are all intertwined and mixed together but here is the short version.
1. My sister is moving to Illinois in 5 months
2. I am feeling frustrated and distant from my nephews at a time I should be creating lasting memories before they move away
3. I have a morning nanny job that helps pay the bills but also means I have to get up at 5am every day.
4. I changed church's but still attend my old one on Wed due to prior commitment (awkward)
5. My renter (brother) is moving out of my house and I am now starting the foreclosure process.
6. Have to change banks (due to foreclosure) I have 8 auto payments to move
7. My car, which I use for nanning, is getting worse.
Ok, only 7 things but still. Lots of change, lots of negative change and yet happy. I know some would just ignore it. Be happy they are happy but I can't. One idea is that although I am going through a lot I am staying close to God and following His plans for me which helps me handle it. Idea number 2...well lets just say I am eating my way to happyiness. I have been eating way to much way too often. If I feel like eating or crave something I eat it. I of course have been gaining weight to go with this and my pants are feeling pretty tight these days. Intellectually I know i need to stop. I even know what I need to do to get myself back to where I was. But I know that it takes so much energy to buy healthy, eat healthy, and exercise. I already have so much on my plate I feel like if I added the food stuff then it might be too much. I am just so happy right now I worry I might tip my boat, add the last straw, whatever analogy you want to make.
I feel stuck with it. I keep thinking I will just wait till a few things are off my plate and then i can add healthy. But as one thing comes off my plate 2 more are added, or at least it feels like it. I feel so busy all the time and I am not sleeping enough. I need to make some changes, I need to get more organized, I need to take better control of my life. All while trying not to stop following what God wants for me.
About Me
Hi, my name is Angela and welcome to my blog. This is a place where I write about my life in an honest and open way.
I am 36 years old, single, and a Christian. God gave me a heart to work with children and so I spend my day teaching kindergarten. It is my fourth year teaching and although it is hard I love it. I currently go to a college for my BA in Elementary Education which keeps me busy. Between work and school there is not much time left but I enjoy serving and helping others, watching netflix, or reading a good book.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
A New Year
Me: So dad its almost 2011 do you have any resolutions?
Dad: (Silence for several moments then) No
Me: Oh well I have a couple movies as a kid I didn't like so I want to watch those this year. And I really want to re-try clam chowder.
Dad: Isn't that a To Do list?
Me: Isn't that what resolutions are? A list of things to do over the next year.
Dad: I guess
This conversation really made me stop and think. What does resolution mean? Where did this resolution thing start? And so I looked it up.
Merriam-Websters Dictionary lists this as the definition to Resolution:
1: the act or process of resolving:
2: the subsidence of a pathological state (as inflammation)
3 a : something that is resolved
b : firmness of resolve
4: a formal expression of opinion, will, or intent voted by an official body or assembled group
5: the point in a literary work at which the chief dramatic complication is worked out
6: the process or capability of making distinguishable the individual parts of an object, closely adjacent optical images, or sources of light
So only one of the six, #3, really has anything to do with the New Year. And that deffinition just points us to the word resolve so I looked that up. The word Resolve has eight means but I will only list numbers 4 and 5 for you.
4 a: to deal with successfully : clear up (resolve doubts) (resolve a dispute)
b : to find an answer to
c : to make clear or understandable
d : to find a mathematical solution of
e : to split up (as a vector) into two or more components especially in assigned directions
5 : to reach a firm decision about (resolve to get more sleep) (resolve disputed points in a text)
That made a little more sense; I need to make a firm decision about something and make sure it is clear. This makes me think it is more than just a to do list for the next year it is more of life changes I am making a firm decision to change.
Next I looked up some history on resolutions for the new year. Multiple sources advised me that it was originally started back 4000 years ago with the Babylonians. Though for them they would return items that they had borrowed the previous year. For a time in history some cultures used the new year for traditions for luck. Greece in 600 BC paraded around a baby in a basket to represent the birth of a God and good fertility. Others have taken the baby image for sign of rebirth with the new year. Others eat only round foods on New Years day, base their luck on their first visitor New Years day, and even today people eat legumes and pork for luck.
The closest thing I found to our current tradition was created by the Romans. They worshiped a god named Janus, she was the god of beginnings and endings. So the Romans would at the new year make promises of good conduct to Janus.
So after reading both of those I realize my father was right I was trying to make a to do list not a resolution list. I really have no interest in making a list of resolutions and when I stopped to look at last years resolutions I realized why. I didn't accomplish anything.
Last year I had three resolutions: Finances, Weight, and God
Finances - Although I do not eat out in restaurants like I had I still spend too much money on things I do not need. I have no money in savings and may have to foreclose on my house.
Weight - Last year was rough. I did loose 15 lbs and my BMI went down 2%. However trying HHGC has really messed with me mentally and I am currently eating way to much food and having trouble stopping myself.
God - I did not stick with devotions or daily prayers. I am praying more than I did the previous year but I don't think that is because of my resolution. I have been attending Living Streams on Saturdays for a year now which satisfied the bible study I was looking for.
There are positives and negatives but I don't know that the resolutions I made on the first really affected all of the positive changes I made. Plus knowing that all three would still again be my resolutions this year makes me feel unsuccessful. So instead I want to do a 2011 to do list. I think I will have to add things for now the below is what I want to do this year.
2011 TO DO List
1. Eat a great bowl of Clam Chowder
2. Try movies I hated as a kid:
a. Labrinth - I hate watching kids hurt and I felt the girl was kind of being torchered.
b. The NeverEnding Story - I hated the scary wolves
c. The Princess Bride - Watched it too many times to and from camp as a teen
3. Read 20 classic books (currently Emma, Wonderful Wizard of Oz next)
4. Do NaNoWriMo again this year
5. Go to a batting cage
6. Save $150 a month toward buying a new car. (Mine is on its last leg)
Dad: (Silence for several moments then) No
Me: Oh well I have a couple movies as a kid I didn't like so I want to watch those this year. And I really want to re-try clam chowder.
Dad: Isn't that a To Do list?
Me: Isn't that what resolutions are? A list of things to do over the next year.
Dad: I guess
This conversation really made me stop and think. What does resolution mean? Where did this resolution thing start? And so I looked it up.
Merriam-Websters Dictionary lists this as the definition to Resolution:
1: the act or process of resolving:
2: the subsidence of a pathological state (as inflammation)
3 a : something that is resolved
b : firmness of resolve
4: a formal expression of opinion, will, or intent voted by an official body or assembled group
5: the point in a literary work at which the chief dramatic complication is worked out
6: the process or capability of making distinguishable the individual parts of an object, closely adjacent optical images, or sources of light
So only one of the six, #3, really has anything to do with the New Year. And that deffinition just points us to the word resolve so I looked that up. The word Resolve has eight means but I will only list numbers 4 and 5 for you.
4 a: to deal with successfully : clear up (resolve doubts) (resolve a dispute)
b : to find an answer to
c : to make clear or understandable
d : to find a mathematical solution of
e : to split up (as a vector) into two or more components especially in assigned directions
5 : to reach a firm decision about (resolve to get more sleep) (resolve disputed points in a text)
That made a little more sense; I need to make a firm decision about something and make sure it is clear. This makes me think it is more than just a to do list for the next year it is more of life changes I am making a firm decision to change.
Next I looked up some history on resolutions for the new year. Multiple sources advised me that it was originally started back 4000 years ago with the Babylonians. Though for them they would return items that they had borrowed the previous year. For a time in history some cultures used the new year for traditions for luck. Greece in 600 BC paraded around a baby in a basket to represent the birth of a God and good fertility. Others have taken the baby image for sign of rebirth with the new year. Others eat only round foods on New Years day, base their luck on their first visitor New Years day, and even today people eat legumes and pork for luck.
The closest thing I found to our current tradition was created by the Romans. They worshiped a god named Janus, she was the god of beginnings and endings. So the Romans would at the new year make promises of good conduct to Janus.
So after reading both of those I realize my father was right I was trying to make a to do list not a resolution list. I really have no interest in making a list of resolutions and when I stopped to look at last years resolutions I realized why. I didn't accomplish anything.
Last year I had three resolutions: Finances, Weight, and God
Finances - Although I do not eat out in restaurants like I had I still spend too much money on things I do not need. I have no money in savings and may have to foreclose on my house.
Weight - Last year was rough. I did loose 15 lbs and my BMI went down 2%. However trying HHGC has really messed with me mentally and I am currently eating way to much food and having trouble stopping myself.
God - I did not stick with devotions or daily prayers. I am praying more than I did the previous year but I don't think that is because of my resolution. I have been attending Living Streams on Saturdays for a year now which satisfied the bible study I was looking for.
There are positives and negatives but I don't know that the resolutions I made on the first really affected all of the positive changes I made. Plus knowing that all three would still again be my resolutions this year makes me feel unsuccessful. So instead I want to do a 2011 to do list. I think I will have to add things for now the below is what I want to do this year.
2011 TO DO List
1. Eat a great bowl of Clam Chowder
2. Try movies I hated as a kid:
a. Labrinth - I hate watching kids hurt and I felt the girl was kind of being torchered.
b. The NeverEnding Story - I hated the scary wolves
c. The Princess Bride - Watched it too many times to and from camp as a teen
3. Read 20 classic books (currently Emma, Wonderful Wizard of Oz next)
4. Do NaNoWriMo again this year
5. Go to a batting cage
6. Save $150 a month toward buying a new car. (Mine is on its last leg)
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Thanksgiving Aftermath
Depression feels so comfortable. It is like being in a warm blanket. I don't really understand why seeing that I am always trying to fight it so it is this constant battle. Maybe it is just the times between the battle.
I went shopping today. I spent money that I don't have. Money that I know I will have some consequences very shortly for using it. Each time I knew I shouldn't do it. I would pick something up and then just walk around the store telling myself how much I didn't really need X. A few things found their ways back to the shelves but most came home with me. It always becomes interesting because my depression probably would have been satisfied with eating an entire coconut cream pie or carton ice cream. The depression just needs to be fed with food or money for it to stop being so ...not painful its more like distracting. Like a kid jumping up and down in front of you, pulling on your sleeve saying "eat, eat, eat. Buy, buy, buy."
It is so hard to have intellect win over depression. It takes so much strength to beat down depression into submission. Especially when you know it is only in hiding and will come out to get you again. So very difficult.
I think I have found the reason D. came out of hiding. But, like most things, it is very very complicated and sure to cause pain along the way. Sure to be inconvenient, frustrating, and possible to cause more loss of people in my life. I want to just bury the truth away, pretend it isn't the truth. Hope that it goes away. Hope that the truth changes to a different truth. But it will just draw out the pain. Don't they say it is best to just pull the splinter and not allow it to fester.
So now I have the choice to go eat again when I am not even hungry and stay up late because I don't want to face another day. Or I could put away the computer and sleep instead.
I do want to say on a side note I have been listening to JJ Heller a lot lately. Even now as I type I have her music playing in the background. I have loved the itouch I have now because I can set it to play her cd and then it just sleeps when the cd is over so it doesn't waste battery. So if you haven't heard her I definitely recommend her. She is a Christian artist from AZ.
I went shopping today. I spent money that I don't have. Money that I know I will have some consequences very shortly for using it. Each time I knew I shouldn't do it. I would pick something up and then just walk around the store telling myself how much I didn't really need X. A few things found their ways back to the shelves but most came home with me. It always becomes interesting because my depression probably would have been satisfied with eating an entire coconut cream pie or carton ice cream. The depression just needs to be fed with food or money for it to stop being so ...not painful its more like distracting. Like a kid jumping up and down in front of you, pulling on your sleeve saying "eat, eat, eat. Buy, buy, buy."
It is so hard to have intellect win over depression. It takes so much strength to beat down depression into submission. Especially when you know it is only in hiding and will come out to get you again. So very difficult.
I think I have found the reason D. came out of hiding. But, like most things, it is very very complicated and sure to cause pain along the way. Sure to be inconvenient, frustrating, and possible to cause more loss of people in my life. I want to just bury the truth away, pretend it isn't the truth. Hope that it goes away. Hope that the truth changes to a different truth. But it will just draw out the pain. Don't they say it is best to just pull the splinter and not allow it to fester.
So now I have the choice to go eat again when I am not even hungry and stay up late because I don't want to face another day. Or I could put away the computer and sleep instead.
I do want to say on a side note I have been listening to JJ Heller a lot lately. Even now as I type I have her music playing in the background. I have loved the itouch I have now because I can set it to play her cd and then it just sleeps when the cd is over so it doesn't waste battery. So if you haven't heard her I definitely recommend her. She is a Christian artist from AZ.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Change
I don't how my mom did it. I don't know how she went her adult life without friends. She had like one friend and sometimes hung out with a couple of her sisters but that was it. I mean she had dad and us kids but didn't she need some time with friends.
A few months ago I was concerned about a friend who started working with Mary Kay. I have some concern over their business practices and was concerned for my friends that were getting very involved in the business. I of course, being who I am, tried to hold it in and then it came out in a giant word vomit mess on facebook. The result has been that I have lost my friends. I thought maybe we would get past it but apparently it is one straw too many. The one I go to church with doesn't even say hello back to me (except the one time I said hi to her in front of several other people) and the other friend will not respond to my e-mails. I have accepted that I had made a mistake in how I handled things, I have apologized for that. Though would not and will not apologize for being concerned for my friends.
The result has been I now only have one friend. And honestly that relationship is a little weird since I can only see her when she is not around the friends that don't talk to me. I was cool with it for awhile but now I have found the need to reach out to people. I attend a different church, Living Streams, on Saturday nights. I tried multiple times to find new friends there but they are not very open to allowing new people into their groups. This has left me with the friends at work.
First let me say that I love my friends at work. They are great and amazing people and I am so glad I know them. However for fun they go out drinking. Not only am I past the get drunk every night phase of my life I also can not afford it. When I order a 12 oz beer for $5 all I can think about is how it took me a half hour at work to earn that. How I can barely pay the bills and I really shouldn't be buying expensive alcohol. But I do it to socialize because I can not live my life alone in my house. So tonight with tip I spent $8 to have fun with my friends. But it is not about the cost it is about who I am. Which then gets more complicated.
When I am with my Christian friends, with those previous friends. I would pretend to be the baptist girl they wanted me to be. And I was ok with that. But here I am tonight pretending to be a drinker and I feel uncomfortable about it. Tonight while we were out we were playing this trivia game at the bar and our team, because of an answer I said, won a coors light t-shirt. I ended up with a picture and comment about it on facebook. I know that most of my friends on facebook are from my church and they already judge me because I like Obama and now what are they going to think. I get scared, like I will loose more friends because I was out having fun. I mean I know that I had one beer, didn't even get buzzed and was just having fun but my church loves spin things. I can't wait till I see everyone on Sunday, what will people say. Oh, right I wasn't planning on going Sunday so I bet that will cause even more gossip.
I don't know what to do anymore. The truth is that I am independent, I voted for Obama and still support him. In fact the book I am writing this month for NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month which is the reason I haven't been posting because I am trying to write a book with a minimum of 50,000 words in November which is also why I am going to miss church sunday so I can do an all night write-in. Anyways it is a first person story about a nanny working for the Obama's. I am an independent thinking, I believe in global warming, I support our troops but I don't support the war. I think that taking away someone’s right for sexual preference is like taking away my right for religion. I even believe that life starts at first breath and not at conception. So I don't understand why I feel so at home in a Baptist church when my beliefs so do match those of a Baptist. I hate hiding who I am. I hate hiding what I believe because it might offend someone.
Part of me really wants to stop attending my current church. I feel like all I do there is give of myself and I receive nothing in return. I no longer feel at home there. But where would I go? Living Streams members won't seem to let me in to their lives. I feel like I am a fish out of water. And the more I realize how weird my beliefs are I realize more and more why I have no friends and am single. How if I live my life hiding my beliefs from the people I am closest to, how can I expect anything else but having my relationships fall apart?
Is this why my mom was so lonely? She never went to church because she would not hold her tongue on things she believed. She spoke up and spoke loudly fighting for her beliefs. And so she was alone. I don't want to be alone. But I can not change what I believe so deeply. I have thought about that. Maybe I could pretend to be the good republican baptist so that I can get along but that is how I got here. My beliefs have not changed I only pretended that they did. And you can not hide the truth when you believe in honesty. I feel so lost. I mean don't my beliefs have to be wrong if no one else believes them? Doesn't something have to be wrong with my line of thinking because otherwise wouldn't others, someone anyone outside my family have the same beliefs too?
Even now I pause and think about this blog. I think about what I have put in it and what you my readers will think. Will you stop reading? Will you say bad things about me? I once had someone tell my Pastor about a blog I made, will you report me? I am tempted to delete this. Tempted to try to continue to hide my feelings but they are still my feelings. They still pour out of me with such anguish that I don't know what to do with them! There is no answer that I can find. All I see is change your whole being! Change who you are at your core! or... choose to be alone.
What I never understand is why is that only the people in my church's care so much about every little detail of what I believe. They are all so critical. I can go out and find all these other people who don't care that I am a good Christian girl who is also like's Obama. They accept me for me. It is so tempting to fall back into that. To fall back into hanging out with people that will accept me but will also lead me down a path God does not want me on. Why, why can't you just accept me? And why God...why God can't I just believe what everyone else does? You know I have prayed for that. I have prayed and read the bible hoping God would just show me that I am wrong some how. And yet He has never shown me anything different then what I already believe.
I can not be alone. I can not spend my life alone. I don't actually question why I overeat. I overeat because I have nothing else. I overeat and I sabotage diets because know that I will still be different, I will still not be accepted for who I am whether I am a size 6 or a size 26. But if I just stay this size then sometimes I can convince myself that its just my weight that is the problem. This is all just too hard.
A few months ago I was concerned about a friend who started working with Mary Kay. I have some concern over their business practices and was concerned for my friends that were getting very involved in the business. I of course, being who I am, tried to hold it in and then it came out in a giant word vomit mess on facebook. The result has been that I have lost my friends. I thought maybe we would get past it but apparently it is one straw too many. The one I go to church with doesn't even say hello back to me (except the one time I said hi to her in front of several other people) and the other friend will not respond to my e-mails. I have accepted that I had made a mistake in how I handled things, I have apologized for that. Though would not and will not apologize for being concerned for my friends.
The result has been I now only have one friend. And honestly that relationship is a little weird since I can only see her when she is not around the friends that don't talk to me. I was cool with it for awhile but now I have found the need to reach out to people. I attend a different church, Living Streams, on Saturday nights. I tried multiple times to find new friends there but they are not very open to allowing new people into their groups. This has left me with the friends at work.
First let me say that I love my friends at work. They are great and amazing people and I am so glad I know them. However for fun they go out drinking. Not only am I past the get drunk every night phase of my life I also can not afford it. When I order a 12 oz beer for $5 all I can think about is how it took me a half hour at work to earn that. How I can barely pay the bills and I really shouldn't be buying expensive alcohol. But I do it to socialize because I can not live my life alone in my house. So tonight with tip I spent $8 to have fun with my friends. But it is not about the cost it is about who I am. Which then gets more complicated.
When I am with my Christian friends, with those previous friends. I would pretend to be the baptist girl they wanted me to be. And I was ok with that. But here I am tonight pretending to be a drinker and I feel uncomfortable about it. Tonight while we were out we were playing this trivia game at the bar and our team, because of an answer I said, won a coors light t-shirt. I ended up with a picture and comment about it on facebook. I know that most of my friends on facebook are from my church and they already judge me because I like Obama and now what are they going to think. I get scared, like I will loose more friends because I was out having fun. I mean I know that I had one beer, didn't even get buzzed and was just having fun but my church loves spin things. I can't wait till I see everyone on Sunday, what will people say. Oh, right I wasn't planning on going Sunday so I bet that will cause even more gossip.
I don't know what to do anymore. The truth is that I am independent, I voted for Obama and still support him. In fact the book I am writing this month for NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month which is the reason I haven't been posting because I am trying to write a book with a minimum of 50,000 words in November which is also why I am going to miss church sunday so I can do an all night write-in. Anyways it is a first person story about a nanny working for the Obama's. I am an independent thinking, I believe in global warming, I support our troops but I don't support the war. I think that taking away someone’s right for sexual preference is like taking away my right for religion. I even believe that life starts at first breath and not at conception. So I don't understand why I feel so at home in a Baptist church when my beliefs so do match those of a Baptist. I hate hiding who I am. I hate hiding what I believe because it might offend someone.
Part of me really wants to stop attending my current church. I feel like all I do there is give of myself and I receive nothing in return. I no longer feel at home there. But where would I go? Living Streams members won't seem to let me in to their lives. I feel like I am a fish out of water. And the more I realize how weird my beliefs are I realize more and more why I have no friends and am single. How if I live my life hiding my beliefs from the people I am closest to, how can I expect anything else but having my relationships fall apart?
Is this why my mom was so lonely? She never went to church because she would not hold her tongue on things she believed. She spoke up and spoke loudly fighting for her beliefs. And so she was alone. I don't want to be alone. But I can not change what I believe so deeply. I have thought about that. Maybe I could pretend to be the good republican baptist so that I can get along but that is how I got here. My beliefs have not changed I only pretended that they did. And you can not hide the truth when you believe in honesty. I feel so lost. I mean don't my beliefs have to be wrong if no one else believes them? Doesn't something have to be wrong with my line of thinking because otherwise wouldn't others, someone anyone outside my family have the same beliefs too?
Even now I pause and think about this blog. I think about what I have put in it and what you my readers will think. Will you stop reading? Will you say bad things about me? I once had someone tell my Pastor about a blog I made, will you report me? I am tempted to delete this. Tempted to try to continue to hide my feelings but they are still my feelings. They still pour out of me with such anguish that I don't know what to do with them! There is no answer that I can find. All I see is change your whole being! Change who you are at your core! or... choose to be alone.
What I never understand is why is that only the people in my church's care so much about every little detail of what I believe. They are all so critical. I can go out and find all these other people who don't care that I am a good Christian girl who is also like's Obama. They accept me for me. It is so tempting to fall back into that. To fall back into hanging out with people that will accept me but will also lead me down a path God does not want me on. Why, why can't you just accept me? And why God...why God can't I just believe what everyone else does? You know I have prayed for that. I have prayed and read the bible hoping God would just show me that I am wrong some how. And yet He has never shown me anything different then what I already believe.
I can not be alone. I can not spend my life alone. I don't actually question why I overeat. I overeat because I have nothing else. I overeat and I sabotage diets because know that I will still be different, I will still not be accepted for who I am whether I am a size 6 or a size 26. But if I just stay this size then sometimes I can convince myself that its just my weight that is the problem. This is all just too hard.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
HCG - Update
I am sorry I have not posted in so long. I kept going back and forth on what I was going to do and didn't think you really needed/wanted to hear me go back and forth. I did stop taking the HCG yesterday. I just mentally can not seem to handle it. I cheat over and over again. I don't know if it is because my relationship with food is too strong or if I am scared to be a normal size; probably a combination of both. I am saving the other half of the bottle. I guess it doesn't have an expiration date so maybe one day in the future I will be ready to try again.
I did loose 14 lbs in 3 weeks. Which is amazing with as much as I cheated. Especially because I only lost 10 lbs in the previous 10 1/2 months of this year. After many ups and downs I seemed to have come to a rest at 250.5 lbs. It is over my 250 but closer to going under than before. I managed to go to the gym once last week and had to lower all of my weights 10 to 20 lbs from the last time I was there. I am not surprised because it has pretty much been 2 months since I have gone to the gym. I hope to work my way back up with my weights.
Anyways, just wanted to let you know what was up. Thank you for all of your prayers and support as I attempted this. I am feeling a bit broken and emotional because I failed at this. It is frustrating to have a way to loose weight and to learn that mentally I am not ready. Now I am supposed figure that out and even the idea of it is just draining. Bleh, its stupid.
I did loose 14 lbs in 3 weeks. Which is amazing with as much as I cheated. Especially because I only lost 10 lbs in the previous 10 1/2 months of this year. After many ups and downs I seemed to have come to a rest at 250.5 lbs. It is over my 250 but closer to going under than before. I managed to go to the gym once last week and had to lower all of my weights 10 to 20 lbs from the last time I was there. I am not surprised because it has pretty much been 2 months since I have gone to the gym. I hope to work my way back up with my weights.
Anyways, just wanted to let you know what was up. Thank you for all of your prayers and support as I attempted this. I am feeling a bit broken and emotional because I failed at this. It is frustrating to have a way to loose weight and to learn that mentally I am not ready. Now I am supposed figure that out and even the idea of it is just draining. Bleh, its stupid.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Conform
I do these these things to conform myself to the norm. To conform myself to be what others wish, desire, and expect of me. I think about the minutes, the hours, the days, the weeks and months I spend trying to conform instead of being me. But this is me. And I am happy being me! In fact the only times I am not happy being me are those minutes, those hours, those days, weeks and months that I am trying to conform into what you want me to be!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
HCG - P2D12 - Happy Update
So I don't know if something just clicked for me or it was the changes I made or maybe just because last week I was sick but I am doing great now! I still feel hungry from time to time but I now have more options then just drink water. I will drink some green tea or chew some gum, both have been life savers. But most importantly I am covering this in prayer. Anytime I get hungry or are tempted to snack or cheat. Yesterday for snack the kids had Cheez-its, I love them. But I got through. And then last night I came out of Target and the air smelled like french fries so I grabbed my bottle of green tea and I made it home without cheating.
The lbs are coming off quickly and it is exciting!!
Mon: 257.5
Tue: 254 - lost what I gained with cheating
Wed: 251
Thur: 248.5
Last night as I was driving home from Target I got so excited thinking that even if I lost just 1 lb overnight I would be at 250 by this scale (the wii fit already registers me their.) I was so excited because for the last 8 months or so I have not been able to break past the 250 lbs. If you are a long time reader you know that I have tried eating right and exercising but my body just wanted to stay at 250. And then overnight I didn't just loose 1 lb, no I lost 2.5 lbs so I broke through that 250 weight, I am now on the other side and I do not want to go back up there again. I hated feeling stuck like that, it was so frustrating!
I know that this is like my first week instead of my second and I will probably not always loose this many lbs a day. I know that even as I sit here typing I feel hungry and know I should go start the tea kettle to get my first glass of green tea in my system. But I am happy to see it working. It is exciting to feel how loose my pants are. Actually last night it was frustrating. I was at Awana's and sometimes I literally run around the building but my pants keep falling down. Today will have to be a belt day, no falling pants for me. But every time I was frustrated I stopped to remind myself how exciting it was that I was loosing inches. I tried to remember that this was actually a good thing, even if I had to run holding up my pants. :)
So for now I am pretty happy. I am hoping that by the end of this week (another 4 days) my body might be more used to this and stop being so hungry. Last night I was trying to sleep and actually heard my stomach growling. It is hard to go to sleep hungry, tends to keep you awake. So I said some more prayers and luckily fell asleep pretty quickly.
The lbs are coming off quickly and it is exciting!!
Mon: 257.5
Tue: 254 - lost what I gained with cheating
Wed: 251
Thur: 248.5
Last night as I was driving home from Target I got so excited thinking that even if I lost just 1 lb overnight I would be at 250 by this scale (the wii fit already registers me their.) I was so excited because for the last 8 months or so I have not been able to break past the 250 lbs. If you are a long time reader you know that I have tried eating right and exercising but my body just wanted to stay at 250. And then overnight I didn't just loose 1 lb, no I lost 2.5 lbs so I broke through that 250 weight, I am now on the other side and I do not want to go back up there again. I hated feeling stuck like that, it was so frustrating!
I know that this is like my first week instead of my second and I will probably not always loose this many lbs a day. I know that even as I sit here typing I feel hungry and know I should go start the tea kettle to get my first glass of green tea in my system. But I am happy to see it working. It is exciting to feel how loose my pants are. Actually last night it was frustrating. I was at Awana's and sometimes I literally run around the building but my pants keep falling down. Today will have to be a belt day, no falling pants for me. But every time I was frustrated I stopped to remind myself how exciting it was that I was loosing inches. I tried to remember that this was actually a good thing, even if I had to run holding up my pants. :)
So for now I am pretty happy. I am hoping that by the end of this week (another 4 days) my body might be more used to this and stop being so hungry. Last night I was trying to sleep and actually heard my stomach growling. It is hard to go to sleep hungry, tends to keep you awake. So I said some more prayers and luckily fell asleep pretty quickly.
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