Birthday Number 29

When my birthday comes around I always find myself reflecting back to the year before. What did I blog about last year on my birthday? Did I hope for anything? And if so did it come true? What has changed? And so I looked back.

Last year for my 28th birthday I celebrated a year in which I lost nearly 60 lbs. I had made a big accomplishment and was looking forward to the year ahead and the steps toward loosing more weight. I am sorry to say I have since not lost any weight though I am happy that I have maintained my weight and not gained back those 60 lbs.

I was curious and so I looked even further back, back to my 27th birthday. For my 27th birthday my best friend took me to a Rascal Flats concert. Even though I didn't know much of their music I still had a blast with my friends that night. Oh how this has changed. In the last 2 years that friend and I have stopped talking, worst of all she has since had a gorgeous baby son whom I have still not met in person. A lot has changed in 2 years, and definitely not all of it was for the good.


This year I hadn't been feeling much up to celebrating and yet as the day draws near I become more and more excited. It is weird because I was sure I was going to just let this birthday pass like nothing happened. This year I find I am no longer surrounded by friends in which to celebrate with. In fact I find this year I can only think of one person (non-family) that would want to celebrate with me. This is a sad thought when I think about my birthday's past and yet I accept where my life is at. I have long ago realized I can not make people be my friends and that I have habits and personal defence issues that keep people away. And although some days I think that totally sucks I also accept it as part of who I am. (It is how my mother was, she had no friends.)

...

Anyways, enough with the depressing. I really want to go somewhere! I keep wanting to travel and I can never do it for this reason or that reason but usually money. I can't really go anywhere but I am going to go to a hotel for my birthday. No where too fancy just someplace to get away to. I found it didn't matter if I was living alone or with someone else when you get yourself away from home into that other environment it can be relaxing, at least for me. So Saturday I babysit all day and then I will take myself out to dinner, probably to Culvers. Then hang out in a hotel watching girly romantic comedies and then sleep in the next day. I want to do something else on Sunday afternoon but I haven't figured out what yet.

I can tell you that, for right now at least, I am happy with my life. It is difficult somedays and I am not getting enough sleep lately but life is good. I love my jobs, I love my church, I am working on paying off my debt, I am thankful for having such a close and loving family. The Lord has provided so much for me and I am thankful for what I have. I pray that in the next year I continue to grow closer to God and listen for His direction in my life. I am alive and breathing today because the Lord allowed it to be true. I am thankful that through heart ache, challenges, and disappointment the Lord has always carried me through to the other side. So even now as I begin the process of foreclosing on the home I bought 8 years ago and as I cherish every moment I can with my sister and nephews before they move 1600 miles away I praise the Lord for those 8 years of having a roof over my head and I praise the Lord for being able to be so close with my sister and her kids. Twenty-nine can feel young and yet so very old when I think about all I have done, seen, experienced, and lived. Thank you to those who have blessed my life by simply being apart of it!

Dreams

At my new church the Senior Pastor had to have a heart bypass back in November. As a result one of the other Pastor's on staff (actually my favorite Pastor Dave who normally preaches Sat nights) took over on Sunday mornings. Well last week Pastor Buckley was finally able to come back on Sunday mornings. He had a two part sermon about achieving your dreams. It started with knowing if it is a dream created by a desire of the flesh or if it is truly a dream God has for you. Then this week we discussed things that could stop your dream from becoming a reality.

It was a great sermon I learned a lot and took a lot of notes but the thing that I just kept realizing is I don't really have "a dream." Though out life I have had some dreams about my career path that have come and gone but really the only "dream" that remains is being a wife and mother. Being that I will be 29 in 3 short weeks I go back and forth on whether I think this dream will actually become a reality. I usually end up just leaving it in God's hands, reminding myself he knows best. But besides that I have no other dreams.

As I thought about it more I realize that this is why I am so bothered by the teachers and parents at work who ask me what my plans are. They assume that I must have some desire past just working part time as an after school worker. The more people ask the more I worry that I must be doing something wrong, why don't I have a plan. Though usually I get defensive about it, not to them of course I politely say "no plans right now, I like what I am doing." I usually get some look or further questions why I don't want to achieve higher goals.

Sunday night there is a college and 20's group. I am almost out of my 20's and don't really feel like I fit in most of the time but I go anyways. We start with worship and praise and them break into groups for prayer and discussions. Tonight I just felt like I needed to be more focused toward God. I had already been cutting some things out of my life (like blogging) that was taking extra time. But honestly waking up at 5 or 6 am and sometimes working 11 hours straight with kids is exhausting and I just want to crash when I get home. So I have been modifying and changing things slightly to spend my time wisely. And a big part of that is I am spending a lot more time serving in the church and attending church more often. Which is great but I really haven't been spending quiet time with the Lord. So after worship and a short message from Jared (the pastor that leads it) I decided to spend time alone with God instead of with a group.

At the end I felt like I had accomplished nothing. I had no big revelation. God didn't speak to me. I praised Him, talked to Him about different things, and sat there in the quiet and the stillness of the room I was in. I continued to think about how I had no answer and was confused by the silence. As I drove home later I realized that I had had an answer but I had dismissed it. While talking with Jesus about having a dream and knowing what he wanted me to strive for and after some silence the thought crossed my head, "Well maybe I don't have one right now. Maybe I just need to take one day at a time." And I immediately laughed at that. As if this couldn't be the answer, I just wasn't hearing God or He wasn't ready to tell me yet. So on the way home I go, "DUH!" that is the answer.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know how this summer is going to work or if I will have enough work. I still haven't figured out my mortgage problem yet of whether I am keeping my house or not. But I know that right now, that this week, that today, this minute I am doing what I should be. I don't always make the right choice but I have been working on listening to God more. I have been working on doing what He asks me to do before the moment passes. ...I know that God has done amazing things for me. I know He loves me and that He wants the best for me even if I don't understand. And so trusting that He will take care of me 5 months from now, a year from now, five years from now. Because even if I knew the plan all I can do is take care of today. Do my best for God today. 2 Timothy 2:15 says "Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth." This is the Awana motto so I have heard it for years and yet today when Pastor Buckley read it it was like hearing it anew. God did so much for us and all He asks in return is for us to do our best because He knows we can't be perfect. But we don't do our best we let lazyness and distractions and get in the way.

So no, I don't have any big dreams and I am ok with that. I would love to be a wife and mother but that is not up to me, God knows what is best for me and although that is a frightening idea He has always taken care of me before and I know He will continue too.

The Flu

This is me whining about the flu. Why? Because I am about to go into day five of having the flu and it is so frustrating. Mostly because I knew I should have gotten the flu vaccine months ago and I kept putting it off. Saying it wasn't worth the $30. Well now I totally regret it. I missed work on thursday, friday, and now monday too. With the extra babysitting I have been offered I am missing at least 20 hours of work. That is over $200 I am loosing because I couldn't take 5 min to spend $30 to guard against this stupid virus.

Today I was feeling better. My fever had gone away but I still had a runny nose and a cough. I thought it would be fine to run to Fry's to put some money in the bank and grab a few things. Apparently it was too much too soon because shortly after getting back my nose started running twice as much and I had a fever over 100* again.

I hate it. Just sitting around the house watching nothing on tv. My brain is too fuzzy most of the time so reading is hard. I just want to get back to work get back into my routine. My boss and I had discussed how odd it is for me to be so sick. I don't get sick very often but here I am sick for 5 days and I was sick a couple weeks ago as well. I had chalked it up to my excessive need to wash my hands but now that I think about it it has to be more than that. The obvious idea is that I have stopped eating healthy and exercising. How if I feed my body junk can I expect my body to fight off diseases. This has to change. I need to go back to eating breakfast and thinking about what I am eating for dinners not just eating whatever junk I am craving at the time. (Lately it has been hot dogs, chili dogs, and nacho's.)

Vitamins too. I got to start taking vitamins. A vitamin commercial just came on the tv but I was thinking about it anyways.

Anyways, I think that is it for now. Hopefully just one more day of rest and then back to work.

Happy! ...but with a price.

Right now I am happy. At least once every day it dawns on me how happy I am feeling. If you read my blog often you realize how weird this is. You may be thinking, well you are just at your high right now. But I am not! In fact my life is very complicated right now. There are like a dozen things going on in my life and each one is complicated. And yet here I am feeling content and happy.

So I am sure you are wondering what all is going on? Well, like I said its all complicated and several things are all intertwined and mixed together but here is the short version.
1. My sister is moving to Illinois in 5 months
2. I am feeling frustrated and distant from my nephews at a time I should be creating lasting memories before they move away
3. I have a morning nanny job that helps pay the bills but also means I have to get up at 5am every day.
4. I changed church's but still attend my old one on Wed due to prior commitment (awkward)
5. My renter (brother) is moving out of my house and I am now starting the foreclosure process.
6. Have to change banks (due to foreclosure) I have 8 auto payments to move
7. My car, which I use for nanning, is getting worse.

Ok, only 7 things but still. Lots of change, lots of negative change and yet happy. I know some would just ignore it. Be happy they are happy but I can't. One idea is that although I am going through a lot I am staying close to God and following His plans for me which helps me handle it. Idea number 2...well lets just say I am eating my way to happyiness. I have been eating way to much way too often. If I feel like eating or crave something I eat it. I of course have been gaining weight to go with this and my pants are feeling pretty tight these days. Intellectually I know i need to stop. I even know what I need to do to get myself back to where I was. But I know that it takes so much energy to buy healthy, eat healthy, and exercise. I already have so much on my plate I feel like if I added the food stuff then it might be too much. I am just so happy right now I worry I might tip my boat, add the last straw, whatever analogy you want to make.

I feel stuck with it. I keep thinking I will just wait till a few things are off my plate and then i can add healthy. But as one thing comes off my plate 2 more are added, or at least it feels like it. I feel so busy all the time and I am not sleeping enough. I need to make some changes, I need to get more organized, I need to take better control of my life. All while trying not to stop following what God wants for me.

A New Year

Me: So dad its almost 2011 do you have any resolutions?
Dad: (Silence for several moments then) No
Me: Oh well I have a couple movies as a kid I didn't like so I want to watch those this year. And I really want to re-try clam chowder.
Dad: Isn't that a To Do list?
Me: Isn't that what resolutions are? A list of things to do over the next year.
Dad: I guess

This conversation really made me stop and think. What does resolution mean? Where did this resolution thing start? And so I looked it up.

Merriam-Websters Dictionary lists this as the definition to Resolution:

1: the act or process of resolving:
2: the subsidence of a pathological state (as inflammation)
3 a : something that is resolved
b : firmness of resolve
4: a formal expression of opinion, will, or intent voted by an official body or assembled group
5: the point in a literary work at which the chief dramatic complication is worked out
6: the process or capability of making distinguishable the individual parts of an object, closely adjacent optical images, or sources of light

So only one of the six, #3, really has anything to do with the New Year. And that deffinition just points us to the word resolve so I looked that up. The word Resolve has eight means but I will only list numbers 4 and 5 for you.


4 a: to deal with successfully : clear up (resolve doubts) (resolve a dispute)
b : to find an answer to
c : to make clear or understandable
d : to find a mathematical solution of
e : to split up (as a vector) into two or more components especially in assigned directions
5 : to reach a firm decision about (resolve to get more sleep) (resolve disputed points in a text)

That made a little more sense; I need to make a firm decision about something and make sure it is clear. This makes me think it is more than just a to do list for the next year it is more of life changes I am making a firm decision to change.

Next I looked up some history on resolutions for the new year. Multiple sources advised me that it was originally started back 4000 years ago with the Babylonians. Though for them they would return items that they had borrowed the previous year. For a time in history some cultures used the new year for traditions for luck. Greece in 600 BC paraded around a baby in a basket to represent the birth of a God and good fertility. Others have taken the baby image for sign of rebirth with the new year. Others eat only round foods on New Years day, base their luck on their first visitor New Years day, and even today people eat legumes and pork for luck.

The closest thing I found to our current tradition was created by the Romans. They worshiped a god named Janus, she was the god of beginnings and endings. So the Romans would at the new year make promises of good conduct to Janus.

So after reading both of those I realize my father was right I was trying to make a to do list not a resolution list. I really have no interest in making a list of resolutions and when I stopped to look at last years resolutions I realized why. I didn't accomplish anything.

Last year I had three resolutions: Finances, Weight, and God

Finances - Although I do not eat out in restaurants like I had I still spend too much money on things I do not need. I have no money in savings and may have to foreclose on my house.
Weight - Last year was rough. I did loose 15 lbs and my BMI went down 2%. However trying HHGC has really messed with me mentally and I am currently eating way to much food and having trouble stopping myself.
God - I did not stick with devotions or daily prayers. I am praying more than I did the previous year but I don't think that is because of my resolution. I have been attending Living Streams on Saturdays for a year now which satisfied the bible study I was looking for.

There are positives and negatives but I don't know that the resolutions I made on the first really affected all of the positive changes I made. Plus knowing that all three would still again be my resolutions this year makes me feel unsuccessful. So instead I want to do a 2011 to do list. I think I will have to add things for now the below is what I want to do this year.

2011 TO DO List

1. Eat a great bowl of Clam Chowder
2. Try movies I hated as a kid:
a. Labrinth - I hate watching kids hurt and I felt the girl was kind of being torchered.
b. The NeverEnding Story - I hated the scary wolves
c. The Princess Bride - Watched it too many times to and from camp as a teen
3. Read 20 classic books (currently Emma, Wonderful Wizard of Oz next)
4. Do NaNoWriMo again this year
5. Go to a batting cage
6. Save $150 a month toward buying a new car. (Mine is on its last leg)

Thanksgiving Aftermath

Depression feels so comfortable. It is like being in a warm blanket. I don't really understand why seeing that I am always trying to fight it so it is this constant battle. Maybe it is just the times between the battle.

I went shopping today. I spent money that I don't have. Money that I know I will have some consequences very shortly for using it. Each time I knew I shouldn't do it. I would pick something up and then just walk around the store telling myself how much I didn't really need X. A few things found their ways back to the shelves but most came home with me. It always becomes interesting because my depression probably would have been satisfied with eating an entire coconut cream pie or carton ice cream. The depression just needs to be fed with food or money for it to stop being so ...not painful its more like distracting. Like a kid jumping up and down in front of you, pulling on your sleeve saying "eat, eat, eat. Buy, buy, buy."

It is so hard to have intellect win over depression. It takes so much strength to beat down depression into submission. Especially when you know it is only in hiding and will come out to get you again. So very difficult.

I think I have found the reason D. came out of hiding. But, like most things, it is very very complicated and sure to cause pain along the way. Sure to be inconvenient, frustrating, and possible to cause more loss of people in my life. I want to just bury the truth away, pretend it isn't the truth. Hope that it goes away. Hope that the truth changes to a different truth. But it will just draw out the pain. Don't they say it is best to just pull the splinter and not allow it to fester.

So now I have the choice to go eat again when I am not even hungry and stay up late because I don't want to face another day. Or I could put away the computer and sleep instead.

I do want to say on a side note I have been listening to JJ Heller a lot lately. Even now as I type I have her music playing in the background. I have loved the itouch I have now because I can set it to play her cd and then it just sleeps when the cd is over so it doesn't waste battery. So if you haven't heard her I definitely recommend her. She is a Christian artist from AZ.

Change

I don't how my mom did it. I don't know how she went her adult life without friends. She had like one friend and sometimes hung out with a couple of her sisters but that was it. I mean she had dad and us kids but didn't she need some time with friends.

A few months ago I was concerned about a friend who started working with Mary Kay. I have some concern over their business practices and was concerned for my friends that were getting very involved in the business. I of course, being who I am, tried to hold it in and then it came out in a giant word vomit mess on facebook. The result has been that I have lost my friends. I thought maybe we would get past it but apparently it is one straw too many. The one I go to church with doesn't even say hello back to me (except the one time I said hi to her in front of several other people) and the other friend will not respond to my e-mails. I have accepted that I had made a mistake in how I handled things, I have apologized for that. Though would not and will not apologize for being concerned for my friends.

The result has been I now only have one friend. And honestly that relationship is a little weird since I can only see her when she is not around the friends that don't talk to me. I was cool with it for awhile but now I have found the need to reach out to people. I attend a different church, Living Streams, on Saturday nights. I tried multiple times to find new friends there but they are not very open to allowing new people into their groups. This has left me with the friends at work.

First let me say that I love my friends at work. They are great and amazing people and I am so glad I know them. However for fun they go out drinking. Not only am I past the get drunk every night phase of my life I also can not afford it. When I order a 12 oz beer for $5 all I can think about is how it took me a half hour at work to earn that. How I can barely pay the bills and I really shouldn't be buying expensive alcohol. But I do it to socialize because I can not live my life alone in my house. So tonight with tip I spent $8 to have fun with my friends. But it is not about the cost it is about who I am. Which then gets more complicated.

When I am with my Christian friends, with those previous friends. I would pretend to be the baptist girl they wanted me to be. And I was ok with that. But here I am tonight pretending to be a drinker and I feel uncomfortable about it. Tonight while we were out we were playing this trivia game at the bar and our team, because of an answer I said, won a coors light t-shirt. I ended up with a picture and comment about it on facebook. I know that most of my friends on facebook are from my church and they already judge me because I like Obama and now what are they going to think. I get scared, like I will loose more friends because I was out having fun. I mean I know that I had one beer, didn't even get buzzed and was just having fun but my church loves spin things. I can't wait till I see everyone on Sunday, what will people say. Oh, right I wasn't planning on going Sunday so I bet that will cause even more gossip.

I don't know what to do anymore. The truth is that I am independent, I voted for Obama and still support him. In fact the book I am writing this month for NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month which is the reason I haven't been posting because I am trying to write a book with a minimum of 50,000 words in November which is also why I am going to miss church sunday so I can do an all night write-in. Anyways it is a first person story about a nanny working for the Obama's. I am an independent thinking, I believe in global warming, I support our troops but I don't support the war. I think that taking away someone’s right for sexual preference is like taking away my right for religion. I even believe that life starts at first breath and not at conception. So I don't understand why I feel so at home in a Baptist church when my beliefs so do match those of a Baptist. I hate hiding who I am. I hate hiding what I believe because it might offend someone.

Part of me really wants to stop attending my current church. I feel like all I do there is give of myself and I receive nothing in return. I no longer feel at home there. But where would I go? Living Streams members won't seem to let me in to their lives. I feel like I am a fish out of water. And the more I realize how weird my beliefs are I realize more and more why I have no friends and am single. How if I live my life hiding my beliefs from the people I am closest to, how can I expect anything else but having my relationships fall apart?

Is this why my mom was so lonely? She never went to church because she would not hold her tongue on things she believed. She spoke up and spoke loudly fighting for her beliefs. And so she was alone. I don't want to be alone. But I can not change what I believe so deeply. I have thought about that. Maybe I could pretend to be the good republican baptist so that I can get along but that is how I got here. My beliefs have not changed I only pretended that they did. And you can not hide the truth when you believe in honesty. I feel so lost. I mean don't my beliefs have to be wrong if no one else believes them? Doesn't something have to be wrong with my line of thinking because otherwise wouldn't others, someone anyone outside my family have the same beliefs too?

Even now I pause and think about this blog. I think about what I have put in it and what you my readers will think. Will you stop reading? Will you say bad things about me? I once had someone tell my Pastor about a blog I made, will you report me? I am tempted to delete this. Tempted to try to continue to hide my feelings but they are still my feelings. They still pour out of me with such anguish that I don't know what to do with them! There is no answer that I can find. All I see is change your whole being! Change who you are at your core! or... choose to be alone.

What I never understand is why is that only the people in my church's care so much about every little detail of what I believe. They are all so critical. I can go out and find all these other people who don't care that I am a good Christian girl who is also like's Obama. They accept me for me. It is so tempting to fall back into that. To fall back into hanging out with people that will accept me but will also lead me down a path God does not want me on. Why, why can't you just accept me? And why God...why God can't I just believe what everyone else does? You know I have prayed for that. I have prayed and read the bible hoping God would just show me that I am wrong some how. And yet He has never shown me anything different then what I already believe.

I can not be alone. I can not spend my life alone. I don't actually question why I overeat. I overeat because I have nothing else. I overeat and I sabotage diets because know that I will still be different, I will still not be accepted for who I am whether I am a size 6 or a size 26. But if I just stay this size then sometimes I can convince myself that its just my weight that is the problem. This is all just too hard.