I don't know why I do it but I know I am doing it.
I have continued with my exercise routine. I go to the gym for an hour a day switching back and forth between cardio and strength. I noticed the last couple days that my pants have been riding a little lower. Actually I should have grabbed a belt today because my pants were so loose. Great news right? I should be excited to see that my effort is paying off. Instead I start self sabotaging. I don't like plan it out, it just is a spur of the moment usually. Yesterday I ate 4 Paradise Bakery Cookies, 4! I was having a bad day and so I had planned to buy two but then I am out the door and I have 4. And then I realize that was dumb, but hey I will just save two. Of course I don't. In case that wasn't enough I have been craving breakfast food for awhile so last night I went to Denny's and had the heartland scramble; I don't even know how many calories are in that. And then it just continued today. Breakfast was a donut, 32 oz diet coke, and a bag of peanuts. Lunch was good, a chicken salad and yogurt, because I planned it ahead. But then tonight wasn't good. I was going to meet some new people tonight so I was nervous so I this ice cream sandwich (lactose free of course), then at the place they had dinner. Then on the way home I pull into McDonalds and order the 10 nuggets, large fries, and large diet coke and in case that wasn't enough I also got a hamburger. Who needs that many calories?! I didn't especially because I didn't make it to the gym today. I don't even know why I ate all of it, because it was in front of me.
I know that some overeating will happen. The denny's dinner wasn't a huge deal but eating over 1000 cal from mcdonalds when I should have just gone home and had a 100-200 cal snack was dumb. I want to do better. I want to be better. I want to loose...no, I want to get rid of all of this extra weight. I don't go to the gym for an hour so I can go to mcdonalds. I go to the gym so that I can get healthy and eating like I have over the last couple days is not healthy. I recognize that this is an addiction I am fighting. Just like my brother giving up smoking it is hard to quit and temptation is so easy. I do know that recognizing this sabotage is also helpful. I can't change what I have already eaten but I can move forward making good choices. Will I loose weight on tomorrow's weigh in? Probably not due to the extra calories and salt. But that won't stop me because I just hit a speed bump these last two days. I was stressed out and sad about something and nervous about meeting new people. It happens and I think I have handled it a lot better than I have in the past. I know that in the past I have gone on week long binges either not realizing what I was doing or ignoring the truth so I could have my instant gratification from the food I was eating. So I still need to improve. I still need to learn how to channel stress into exercise, I haven't quite figured that one out. Though tonight I almost talked myself into going to exercise instead of going to meet new people. So hey that is a change. Oh and in case you aren't on my facebook. The other night I was in the gym and one of the trainers new me by name. I am so proud that I go regularly enough now that he would learn my name. I am so proud of myself! :)
Well there it is. They say admitting you have a problem is the first step. So I have admitted my self sabotage and can not try to lie to myself that I didn't realize what I was doing. I need to stop and think before I eat. I need to stop and think before I buy any fast food. Ok, actually I shouldn't be buying any fast food so that has to stop anyways. I will post again tomorrow, even if it is short, what my new weight and measurements are.