Does he know how much that hurt me? Was that what he really meant to do? Does he really hate me that much? My younger brother said something that was just mean. He was upset and I understand that he is upset but what he said wasn't even true. At first when I got the text riddled with curse words in caps, which he knows I don't curse. I couldn't believe it, I just laughed. I tried play it off in my head, he is just mad. He just has to be angry with someone and I am it right now.
I went home and try to ignore it. Tried to brush it off but I am a sensitive person and it hurt. His words pierced my heart with a sword. I had planned to keep it to myself, to not bring others into but I couldn't help it. I had to make sure that I wasn't be delusional, I mean could it be my fault? Did I do something wrong? Should I just disappear? I was assured that no what he said was not true and more than that what could they offer me.
So I sit here and my brain and my body want to go to its natural responses. First to depression, I want to slit my wrists. I want to hurt myself because that pain would at least make sense. When I push that away next up is my food addiction. All I can think about is eating. I am not hungry but I just want to eat and eat and eat. Because food will make me numb so I don't feel the pain. I have to be honest I am kind of proud that I did neither of those two. I tried to think that there must be healthy ways to deal with this pain. What would a healthy person do but then the only things that came to mind were cleaning or exercising. But it is late, I have work tomorrow. I can stay up cleaning my bathroom or rearranging my house. Even now I watch the clock tick by and I know that I need to wake up early tomorrow.
I know this pain isn't going to go away with a quick fix like food or cleaning. I know that he is just hurt right now and in a tough spot. But my heart still hurts and aches that somewhere inside he knows that I am not the bad guy. That I love him and care about him so very much.
It makes me think about the fights I used to have with my big sister or back long ago with my mom. Did I ever make them feel like I do now? I wish I could say a definite no but I feel like maybe I did. Maybe I let those cruel words slip from my mouth that I knew would hurt them because I wanted them to hurt like I was hurting.
I know this will pass but for now it feels like too much.