It is too early for this post because my body still feels numb. And yet here I am posting it anyways. It is now 2:30 pm here in Arizona and my sister and her family have now left the state (or close to it.) They are moving to Illinois to be closer to Kalvin and Garrett's dad and closer to Justice and Isaiah. You may not know who they are but they are family. It was the right thing and what had to happen for my sister's immediate family to be all together.
She asked me to come with her a couple times and I prayed about it and thought about it and did my research and it just wasn't the right thing for me. But now as I sit here on my couch I don't know how I am going to survive with out them. It just hurts so much.
I have babysat my nephews on the weekends for at least the last seven years. I have seen my youngest nephew Tirso every single week of his life and now...now I won't see him. And he is only 3 1/2 so he won't understand when this Saturday comes around why Angela isn't going to be coming to spend the day with him. ...
I am going to go out there in August. It will be the first opportunity I will have a week off. I don't really know how I am going to afford it but I don't really care at this point. I just have to double check the week with the woman I nanny for and then I will book the tickets. I guess it will be the worst month to go out there being so humid and sticky and I will probably be eaten alive by mosquitos but I don't care, I can't wait till October when the weather is nicer. That is just too far away.
So it is my sister driving the van with the dog and Tirso and then Josh is driving a 24' Budget truck with a full size trailer with his car on it behind the truck. The two teenagers Kalvin and Garrett will switch between riding with April or Josh over the three days. They only had the mattresses, mirrors, and wall pictures to pack but still had to clean 3-4 more rooms before they left. So hopefully they didn't get too late of a start today so that it won't take more than three days. Though who knows how slow going the truck and trailer will be. I am constantly praying for them though. For safety and that the kids are occupied (hopefully with sleep since they didn't get much the last couple days.)
I keep thinking about why I stayed. Mostly it was about money. I am currently living in my dad's house and trying to pay off my debt and that really wouldn't work there. I could crash with them for awhile but I would have to get my own place and right now that just isn't the best plan. I have to get myself out from under this debt mess and then I can think about moving. I just feel so lost as to what is next in my life. My sister is gone and I currently only have one friend that talks to me and she is moving away soon too. And I am not committed to my jobs and I like my new church but it's not like I have made any real friends that I would hang out with outside of church there. I know that part of this is my frustrations and depression from my sister leaving. I need to give myself a little time and then look at my life again. Because right now I am looking at my life while standing in a deep hole but there is no perspective here.