One common thing for people to do is to go out and get drunk at the bar. At two different occasions in my life I have spent my fair share of time hanging out in bars with friends. It usually doesn't last long since I don't drink much, can't afford to, and it usually can become quite boring after awhile. Because when you are sober drunk people aren't very fun to hang out with and because once all your friends start finding guys to dance with and I am left with no one to hang with.
Last night was my friends birthday. She asked me at least half a dozen times if I was going so I couldn't miss it. We met at the Desert Ridge Sandbar around 8:30. It was so much fun. Eight girls hanging out, drinking a little, just having fun. It was awesome! Then an 9th friend showed up and the atmosphere changed. Not bad, just instead of sitting in a cabana we got up and started dancing instead. It was so much fun, I hadn't gone out dancing in a long time. But, we will call her nine for anonymity. Nine decided she needed to find a boy for the birthday girl. I had heard from other stories that this was what she did, she likes to set people up. At this point I realize that she is trying to live vicariously through the younger girls. See she is fifty and divorced, and now a single mother. She also smokes a little more than nicotine, if you know what I mean. She also gets drunk way to often, I have added her 14 year old son to my prayer list.
After much "patrolling" and harassing men she finally convinced two to come over. They were kind of cute and seemed nice enough. It quickly became six of us. Birthday girl, girl two, Nine, me and the two guys. It was cool at first but I just stuck around too long. Birthday girl was looking to "get lucky" for birthday and had found the perfect guy for it. Girl two was getting pretty close with the other guy and then it was me and the 50 year old high drunk woman who kept pulling me away because she was sure that girl two should get lucky too. Though I knew that wasn't going to happen which is why I felt comfortable hanging out still.
It is just hard. When I am right there and the guys refer to me but never actually address me or look me in the eyes. They buy drinks for all the other girls but somehow don't get me one. I could have pushed, I didn't because I really didn't want to drink anyway but it would have been nice. As I sat there watching girl 2 get close with this guy; holding hands, arm around her back, him caressing her shoulders. I just felt so alone in that moment. Part of me wished that just anyone would touch me like that. Though of course I don't really want some random guy who in the light of day turns out to be a total creep.
In those moments I realize how alone I am. Of course today I think about how I don't want to have one night stands like birthday girl or let a stranger caress my body just because like girl 2. I guess I can't say I don't judge them because I kind of do but I accept that those are there choices and I have a different one. I mean seriously I love those girls they are great friends. It just all makes me think.
So no more late nights out for me. Only for those special occasions. I am glad I went, I had so much fun! But it also reminded me of what I am looking for in a relationship.