Long day, Quick post

Wednesday 2/10/10

Today was good. I woke up early and got to work on time. Because of the longer day I did eat more calories than normal. About 100 more with lunch and then about 200 more with dinner. Though dinner was at 5:30 and it is now midnight and so I don't think eating me a little more so I could finish the day was a bad thing. After Awana's at church tonight I started up last weeks Biggest Loser (missed because I watched Lost and Hulu takes a week to post the episode.) The goal was 4 miles with my WAP video's but when I got to mile 4 I knew I could do more and so I did all 5 miles on the dvd. Each one is about a 14 min mile plus warm up and cool down so I got about 1:30 of exercise today. I was so excited because I have never made it through all 5 miles before. So yea me!! Now a little orange juice and off to bed for me.

Clothing issues

Tuesday 2/9/10

Today I ate well. Nothing too exciting to post about that. Although what I am eating now is not what I ate 2 months ago what I am eating feels totally natural now. I did exercise today but only 30 min, actually 20 min plus 10 min of warm up/cool down. I did the Biggest Loser Bootcamp video. It was hard but easier to get through than the yoga one yesterday. Though I found it difficult because my arms are still sore from yesterday so some was pretty tough. I considered doing some cardio with my WAP dvd's but I have an early morning tomorrow so I want to get to bed early. So 20 min, but better than nothing. :)

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It is now frustrating to get dressed for work everyday. It shouldn't be, it should be exciting but it is more just difficult. I have to dress up for work and I am really not a dress or skirt girl so I wear dress pants. The last time I bought dress pants was over a year ago and I was a size 30 at the time. I have been a size 28 for nearly 6 months now but I always just use a belt or when the belt wasn't enough I used a safety pin to cut it down an inch. As you know I lost 2 in last week so that has made a difference. But when I went to put on my pants this morning...lets just say I must have lost at least one more inch. I am feel like I am swimming in my pants now. I do have a pair of black pants that are jeans so I shouldn't wear them but they are black so I get away with it. I had to wear those today but even those felt weird today. Ok it sounds weird but my butt must be smaller because it feels extra loose in that area. It was kind of uncomfortable, I kept worrying that it looks weird but figure no one is really looking at my butt anyways. So in a couple weeks I am getting my tax return and I am going out to buy new pants. I am trying to be excited but the negative part of me keeps bringing me down. Reminding me how annoying the next 2 weeks till have some money will be and then the idea that if I went down one size in a month then is buying pants now a waste of money? I do try to remind myself that I have to wear pants so no its not a waste. Plus it will be motivation to keep going. On a side note I know I mentioned I went through some old clothes. I have no dress pants but when I hit size 24 I will have quite a few skirts I can pull out.


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I have a friend who is a personal trainer. Months ago I traded with her; I took her out to watch New Moon with me and in return she was going to show me some basic ab exercises I can do everyday. At the time I was kind of trying to exercise but wanted to have something to do if I "forgot" to exercise during the day. So before I went to bed I would pull out my yoga mat and doing some crunches. I wasn't sure I was doing them right so I wanted her help but of course she has some other cool stuff she can teach me. Anyways, we have both been very busy with life and such but finally we are getting together this friday night to hang out and do some ab work. I am so excited!!! I am not sure if she reads this but if not then it will be even more exciting to tell her all I have done on my own over the last 3 weeks. (We don't see each other often, which sucks.) So hopefully this will also be helpful toward my goal of health as well. Now off to bed since I have to get up at 6:30 am instead of my normal 9 am.

A fresh week

Monday 2/8/20

I didn't work out all weekend. I just kept thinking today how hard it was going to be to exercise again today. I knew it was what I needed to do so I did it. So today was really good. I ate great and I exercised a lot (details below.) I am happy I am starting this week with such a great start.

Yesterday I wasn't awful or anything. I ate a good breakfast. When I have my older nephews on weekends I like to go out to lunch on Sunday's after church so we went to In-n-out. If you remember I ate there last wed too. I ordered the same thing, probably had less fry's as that is all my 2 yr old nephew will eat. For the life of me I can't get him to eat a hamburger. But I also ordered a vanilla shake. I ended up with gas and a stomach ache later. Since it didn't happen on wed I am sure it was the ice cream. I was thinking maybe I just ate too much between the hamburger and the shake but I was definitely burpee so maybe it was something in the ice cream. I'm not really sure. But I resisted going to taco bell for dinner (I did not want to feel bad again) and had a good dinner.

Today went great with food. I ate healthy stuff because I like it. I am currently eating 3 meals a day and sometimes a snack at night after my workout. I am staying around 1200 - 1500 cal a day. I wasn't hungry at all today except normal times, right before dinner, after my work out. At work in the lunch room I was feeling a little tempted. The room smelled like pasta and their were cookies and cupcakes on the table for grabs. So I immediately just took my book at sat outside for the first hour. Then I went back in so I could eat my lunch. But at that point it wasn't a problem because I had good food to eat and fill me up.

Tonight I had a full line up of tv: House, Heroes, then Castle. I love them. I tend to eat at 7pm so I just watched House. Up next was Heroes. I don't know if you watch it but it is very visual, especial when Hero, one of the characters, talks since he speaks japanese so you have to read it. I thought about doing one of my Walk Away the Pounds dvd's but I knew it wouldn't work. My thoughts went to the stepping option on the wii fit you can do while watching tv. My brother and sil were in their living room so I pulled out my own step. I was aiming for the whole hour but think I did about 40 min with starting late and a phone call I had to take, and resting. And I don't know how many steps it was, I know less than on the wii fit as this is twice as tall so more difficult but I was definitely sweating. During Castle I could be more distracted. I get Fitness magazine and they always have exercises you can do. Well today was the first time (I have been reading that magazine off and on for a decade) that I actually followed one. It was 6 exercises supposed to work your arms but I felt like my abs were worked more. Don't get me wrong it was definitely difficult but I didn't feel like pushing myself. I did each exercise at 12 reps 3 times but I wasn't really shaking or anything by the end. I may try it again or the other options they have this month. After Castle was over I wanted to do a little more. So I started my Biggest Loser Yoga dvd. Let me tell you this is no easy yoga. As I mentioned with the other one they have it set as a 6 week program so you start with 20 min and then work up. I thought, the last one I did the whole thing why not this one. I was SO wrong. By the end of the first 20 min I was exhausted and sweating. Some of the exercises I couldn't even do because I am not strong enough yet. Like half way through I was thinking that anyone who is thinking of going on the show should totally have to do this video first. I would fall to the ground and I would think about how if I was on the show I would so be screamed at right now for not keeping the pose. And I couldn't quit after 20 min I would have to do whatever full day crazy routine. I think the yoga video has cured me of my desire to go on the show. It was so funny how quickly I changed my mind (they are accepting videos right now and I keep considering sending in a video and leaving it up to God.)

There was a flip side to the video though. Although it was so hard it scared me. I was also watching the contestants that were demonstrating the moves. These were contestants that appear from 2 different seasons mixed together it looks like it was taped mid season 6. One was Ali, from season 5. She lost all her weight and has kept it off. And then you look at some of the other girls like Vickie and Heba, from season 6, and both of them are still big and huge "batwing" arms. And in my head I just kept thinking I want to be like Ali and not Heba and then I couldn't hold the poses and it was frustrating. So then I was frustrated and although I was exhausted and tired I made myself get up and started one of my WAP video's and walked a mile. I was able to complete it no problem, difficult but I didn't give up or anything. So now after a shower and a glass of OJ I am feeling a bit sore in my muscles. I know that the steps and the walking video were just cardio. That the magazine ideas and the yoga video is what really worked my muscles. I think in total I exercised for about 2 hrs today.

So altogether a great day. Now I am exhausted am going to go crawl into bed. I can't believe I stated up till 1:30am again. Still got to work on that.

Week 2 - 1 lb loss

Saturday 2/6/10

So it is saturday again which means weekly weigh in day. I was feeling kind of confident because I knew I worked out pretty hard this week and my pants have been feeling looser. I was worried about the last two days, as you know they have not been my best. So when I stepped on the wii fit and it only said a loss of 1.1 lbs I was sad. I just stood their for a little while staring at the number. I try to remember that a 1 lb loss is good, that is actually my goal and well I reached it. I did also the tape measure because I wondered about the loose pants. And indeed I lost 2 inches on my waste. So it does go to show that it isn't always about the number on the scale.

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I did not exercise today. I just didn't feel like it. Which I know is not good but it is what it is. I also didn't eat so well tonight. I still have stupid klondike bars in my freezer and although I ate everything great today through dinner this evening went down hill. I had 2 klondike bars and a bag of 100 cal popcorn. Oh and one of these amazing oreo chocolate balls my brother and sil made, it was amazing but not so good for me. The problem is that I now of course don't feel good at all. My stomach hurts and I don't feel good now. I knew I wasn't hungry when I ate the second ice cream bar. And I even knew I was full when I started popping the popcorn. I don't know why I did this to myself. Why the idea that food is going to make things somehow better can convince me to eat when I shouldn't, what I shouldn't. Sure I had an instant flow of endorphins or whatever creating a moment of... I don't know happiness I guess. But was it really worth it? More than the way I feel physically right now it is more about the weight I lost and the inches. Would I give up those 2 inches for some ice cream and popcorn? That is kind of what I told my body, that it wasn't worth it. (Obviously I eat 2 in worth of calories but you get the point.) But I am worthy of feeling healthy! But I need to remember that in that moment before I eat whatever junk that my worth is not tied up in this food. That feeling good all day or week is better than feeling good for the 2 to 5 min it took to eat whatever. And most important is I need to not be scared to throw it away. I waste money on stuff all the time. The bananas went bad, I only ate half of my dinner at a restaurant, or even the open can that got lost in the back of the fridge. So why when I am standing there listening to my popcorn pop recognizing the fact that I feel full do I eat it anyways. The bag was less than a dollar, I shouldn't have eaten it just because it was already popped. I should have listened to my body, put it in a plastic bag and taken to the trash can outside. In fact I should have stopped half way through my second ice cream bar when i knew i was an idiot for eating it and actually stopped enjoying it at that point. Just thrown it away instead of worrying about throwing away good ice cream. It is just food, food that, in that moment, was not at all good for me.


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I want to thank anyone still reading this for your positive prayers and thoughts for me while I go through this. And thank you for the supportive comments some of you have left. I did have a friend post yesterday about a sermon series her pastor is currently doing called "Get FiTT" being done at Community of Faith church in TX. I haven't had the time to watch an entire sermon but I enjoyed the parts I had a chance to watch. I assume tomorrow they will move to week 4 of the series but luckily they have all prior episodes online so I am excited to sit down each day this week and watch them. It doesn't matter how often I go to church I seem to always leave God out of my weight loss. Of course at first I am always praying but really I need to be turning to him during all of my ups and downs through this change to healthy living. That is why I am excited about this sermon series to help connect my health with God. I know its His temple, the connection should be easy. But why then is it missed so often.

On that same note I just finished a book called "Fat Chance" by Julie Hadden. I think I mentioned it before, it is by a woman who lost a lot of weight on The Biggest Loser. Through out the book Julie talks about her faith and how she not only rely on God at times but also grew closer to Him through this process. Over and over again she talks about God being their to listen when she was exhausted after working out for 6 hrs. And how important it is to really understand that you are worth the changes. That God values us and wants everything for us which includes living a healthy and long life. But first recognizing that even if you don't think you are worth it to get healthy God does think you are worth it. I was just so inspired by this book. Although I checked it out from the library I may have to buy a copy of it. I have spent a week reading through it just rereading inspirational stories from Julie.

So one thing I meant to mention yesterday but didn't was my experience playing football yesterday. One of the 4th grade boys in my after school program plays football on Saturdays. I had practiced with him a couple weeks ago (can't remember if I told you this before so sorry if I have.) Anyways, he punts (kicks) the ball to me and I either catch it or chase after it and throw it back. And we did this for awhile, I don't know how long. But I started getting so tired, eventually my aim was so off at throwing and I was sure my face was red so I had to quite helping him practice. Yesterday he asked again if I would help him practice and again it was the same thing. Catch or chase after the ball and then throw it across the field. I played for a good 25 min before I had to stop. And I didn't stop because I was tired i stopped because I started getting a caffeine headache. While I was playing I just kept thinking about how much easier it was to run around and throw the ball. How I wasn't out of breath and I was pretty sure my face didn't get red this time. I was so proud of myself and so excited to actually see the difference in my work life, how I had improved. So that that was my "yea me" for yesterday. I am not sure I have one today...well unless it is unfitness related. I had gone to a Sat evening service at a local church I had never attended before and this evening on the way home from my sisters I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to go again. And although I felt hungry and tired I went anyways and really enjoyed it. I have wanted a new bible class during the week and although this is a sermon not a class I am really enjoying it and feel comfortable there. So the plan is if I get off babysitting in time then I will try to go every week. We will see how that goes. So "yea me" for listening to that "still small voice" instead of my whiny physical body. :)

A friday

Friday 2/5/10

I seem to be very internally conflicted right now. Today I ate 3 Klondik bars, exercised for an 1 1/2, and then stayed up late even though I know I have to wake up tomorrow morning to babysit. Why am I so self destructive? Why do I get so scared when I see positive results/ changes in my life? But most important how do I get past this before I gain all the weight back?

Blah Thursday

Thursday 2/4/10

If I had to give today a good or bad rating I would say bad.

My day started bad because I was in pain. Last night I had stubbed my little toe on some luggage I was storeing some old clothes in. But also my right knee is giving me some pain as well. Then not very long after waking up I am feeling tension in my upper back. I don't understand this since I haven't been sore after working out so why when I didn't exercise yesterday would I be sore all of a sudden. The knee hurt off and on all day. It just feels sore, the pain is kind of on the side of the knee so it is a little weird. The pain is like 2 maybe a 3 but bad at all so no pain pills. But I find it annoying. Breakfast and lunch went fine. After work I came home and had a nice salad. Then about a half hour later I had some chicken and rice. About a half hour after that my stomach started to hurt. Now my gut reaction was that I was hungry still and needed to eat more. Then all I could think about was the ice cream in my freezer. I tried to push the thoughts away. It didn't make any sense for me to be hungry. So when I actually stopped to think about the pain I realized it wasn't hunger it was pain. My stomach was upset with what I ate. Now maybe I ate too much or maybe it was what I ate. The chicken was processed full of nitrates and hormones. And the rice was pre-seasoned, cook in 60 seconds in the microwave type. I am not sure which of the three so I am going to now have to be careful when I eat more of those things.

But the thought of ice cream was on the brain. I fought it off for like 2 hrs and then I caved. I ate the rest of my pint of ice cream and cool whip, about 1 cup of each. Ate one point while I was eating I was actually full, I knew I should stop, I had only eaten about half. But I didn't. I just didn't care. Although part of me knew better and was trying to convince me to good and I kept looking up success stories of weight loss online I just didn't care about the consequences. The ice cream was good and I was watching a great tv show. After my shows were over I of course felt some guilt. I ended up walking a total of 4 miles with my WAP dvd's. I really tried to push myself with each mile and although I kept wanting to quit with the same "don't care" attitude I was happy to get through what I did. At first I wanted to do 6 miles but my knee was constantly hurting by mile 3. I though instead I should go jump on the wii for a little while instead but that didn't happen as well. Instead I crashed on the couch and watched another hour or two of tv.

So although I did walk 4 miles which probably burned off at least some of the ice cream. I log today as a fail because of my attitude all afternoon. I really need to work on that and figure out why I feel so down.

Life's first test failed

Wednesday 2/3/10

On Wednesday's after work I have church. If I am going to work till 6pm then I just pack a dinner but lately I have been able to leave early on wednesdays. So I have time to go home and eat before heading to church. Well my co-worker called in sick today which means instead of getting off at 5 - 5:30 I got off at 5:50 so I had to stop somewhere for dinner. I knew I should eat somewhere healthy like Paradise Bakery or Subway. But where did I end up? In-n-out, it was so delicious but I know it was awful for me. Ok, I could have gotten worse and actually in-n-out is actually not so bad when comparing burger joints. At first I felt totally guilty but now that it is later I realize that it is ok to sometimes eat out. Could I have made a healthier choice, of course but out of my options I think I did ok.

I decided to take the day off from exercising today. Watched a couple movies instead and I sorted through some old clothes. When I last moved I gave a lot of clothes to goodwill that were like 16-18 size because I am currently a size 28 and didn't think I needed to hold on to them anymore. Plus, most were very outdated as I haven't worn that size since high school a decade ago. But I do have some clothes still. So I went through and sorted out the clothes by size. I have about a tub full of 24-26 so that will be helpful so I don't have to spend much on clothes I will eventually shrink out of. I know this seems optimistic but why not be optimistic? I figure it is part of having the right mind set. I know that I am already close to a size 26 and if I keep up my current healthy habits I will get there. I am excited about it.

One really exciting thing did happen today that I wanted to share. At work I take the kids I watch after school outside for awhile. As most schools do they have a big field and play ground equipment and such. I try to always be walking around checking on the kids. Then I noticed an incident occurring across the field with at least one child on the ground crying. So I run across the field to him. As I am reaching the situation it occurs to me that not only am I running faster than I have in the past, it is much easier to be running, and I am not out of breath. Often times I run across the field and I have to stop to catch my breath but that wasn't a problem at all this time. I was able to immediately handle the situation. I just felt so happy about it because this is exactly why I want to be healthier. I don't want my weight to get in the way of helping someone or working with kids. So this is my yea me for the day. I seem to be finding them daily which I just love and is great motivation to continue as I am going.

But it is also the little things that are great. I was feeling bad for eating unhealthy for dinner. I had already decided earlier today I didn't want to eat ice cream again today because it should be a treat not an everyday experience. I was hungry this evening and although part of me was saying "oh well today is ruined anyways just eat the ice cream" I pushed the thought aside and was able to sit down with some yogurt and granola. A much healthier option for my evening. I can really see how each little decision through out the day can make a difference. Though here I am again at 1am, still not in bed. Though I am headed there now. I got to work on this 8 hrs of sleep thing. :)