A Better Me?

Yesterday I was outside raking up leaves and I realized all of sudden how when I am vegan and not addicted to caffeine I seem to get more done. Back in September when I had challenged myself to 25 days vegan I had found myself cleaning things and keeping things better maintained then i had in the past. I thought it was odd enough that I made a mental note of it. Then again, here I am 16 days into caffeine free and vegan and I find myself doing something that is out of character for me. I know that is a little sad to say. But seriously I have known these leaves needed raking for months and yet all of sudden I feel ready to go out and do it. As this lifestyle continues past twenty-five days this time I will have to continue to see if this behavior continues. And of course this great. To be able to do things and be self motivated. It is like a miracle. It is one of the things that drew me back to being vegan.

I have been much better at my calories. In fact today I went over by 61 calories. So I had to jump on my brothers wii fit and burn some calories so I wouldn't be over anymore. It a little sad because the games I used to do so well on I totally stink on now. But I remember I didn't start out good I had to work up to good and then up to great. So I may start spending more time on the wii.

Speaking of calories this morning I weighed myself and I was down two pounds. So that takes me down to 269. I was happy to see a two pound loss because that is what it should be. Not huge drops. So I will keep doing what I am doing and seeing the pounds drop off. I have already received a compliment about how much weight I have lost and I now fit back in my skinny jeans. So I am very happy.

This weekend I was responsible and made a shopping list. I knew exactly how much I could afford to spend on food and I did not go over. That is with shopping at three different stores. I have lots of food and should be able to make it through the end of the month with what I have. My fruits and veg will be gone by then but that is ok as long as I don't let any that I bought go to waste. I am also doing so much better at eating fruits and vegetables. I had one or the other for every meal including one snack of cherries. I am very proud of myself. Especially lunch today. I had this lentil vegetable soup. I was worried. I don't like mixing foods and this was like a stew full of veggies. But it was good. I would totally buy it again! So yea to trying new foods.

I told you that I was going to have to wait till March to go to school because I am waiting on financial aid. I had kind of put it out of my mind but yesterday I felt I should really go check it. I went to the site and my FA is approved. I am getting a pell grant to cover my classes for this semester and then there will be enough left over so I can take a few classes over the summer too. I try to call FA to confirm that what I saw was right, that everything was approved. But I was stuck on hold forever. I was trying to wait to sign up for classes till I talked to them. Especially because I need to know about book credits and such. Well then today again just out of the blue I just felt like I should really just sign up for classes. And so I did. Right now I am just doing Eng 102. The book is online so I don't have for anything right now. Then for my second 8 week session I am going to take two classes about early education. One is actually 10 weeks so I was hoping to take that now but they both require books and I don't have the cash to cover it so they will both start in March. So I will have a little over lap with eng 102 and those two classes but hopefully that works out ok. I really believe it will work out because I believe this is part of the path God wants me on right now. So now I am college student, for the fifth time in my life.

Quick Update

It is already late and I should have been sleeping hours ago but I want to update you since my last post. The last couple days I have been feeling like normal. No weakness. No feeling of fatigue. Yesterday I ate all of my calories and today I came pretty close, I think I am 200 short. It has been kind of a weird day so I am glad I got that many calories in. I did not exercise today but will tomorrow, I know that it is very important part of getting healthy.

Besides that nothing new to report. I did get handed some caffeine today and said no to it without any problem which is great. I also went to a coffee shop this evening and was very careful about what I ordered to make sure it was vegan. I have not been going out to eat so I count this as a victory.

Hopefully I have more to say next time. But for now I say no news is good news.

Feeling Bleh

Today I am feeling bleh! Earlier I was feeling a little light headed and a little ditzy. It was weird and not normal. Before you go blaming my diet I stopped to look at that too. When I tell myself the truth I have not been eating my fruits and veggies. In fact, I looked over my food log and some days I have gone all day with none! That does not work. I also remembered that I forgot to take my B-12 supplements the last two days. I take a handful of pills right before bed but the b-12 is supposed to be taken with food so I try to take it in the morning with breakfast but sometimes I forget. It helps with Iron in my body and because of a lack of nutrients in the soil I can't get it without eating meat. So I have to take a supplement or risk getting anemic. I do have to say that back, like in the 60's our veggies did have B-12, it is the soil we use now that has changed it.

This evening I exercised doing the push-up, sit-up, squat thing. It went well but now I am feeling even more light headed. For dinner I had lots of veg so hopefully that will help. Tomorrow I am going to be much more conscious of getting fruit and veg in every meal.

The other thing is my calories. For someone who is 276 lbs at 5' 9" to maintain my weight I would eat 2900 calories a day. I know a lot. The iphone app I use "Lose It" gives me the option to put in how many pounds to loose per week up to 2 lb weight loss. So I chose the 2 lb weight loss which means every day I should be eating 1900 calories. Ok let's be specific, I should be eating 1,961 calories everyday. But I haven't been. Every day last week I had at least 300 calories left over. In fact on Saturday I only ate 1200 calories. I am eating until I am full, until I am satisfied. Whole foods are just so filling that it is hard to reach my calories.

This evening, knowing I am not feeling well, I decided to weigh in. The goal was to loose 2 lbs but I knew it would be more with the extra calories I missed. I was also keeping in mind that last week I weighed in in the morning, after breakfast. I was now weighing in at the end of my day. So I should be heavier then if I weighed in in the morning. The wii fit says I weigh 271 which was a 5 lb weight loss. Plus the fact I weighed at night it is probably six to seven pounds. That is a lot of weight to loose in a week. That is Biggest Loser weight loss where they eat nothing and exercise 7 hrs a day. No wonder I am feeling bad. So it wasn't even exciting to see knowing that I may be hurting my body. Yes I want to loose weight but I don't want to get sick as well.

So tomorrow I am going to watch my calories better. Maybe have more snacks during the day. Putting in my new weight into my app drops my calories down to 1,929 so a little less. But more fruits and more vegetables! :)

On a different note I was anxious to start school hoping I could start right away. But I have decided until the financial aid is completely finalized. I can take a class now but the aid falls through then I will have to pay close to $300 which is the amount  I am trying to save to fly out to see my sister. So I choose sister over a college class any day of the week. They say it takes four weeks but then they also say I can't start classes till the first week of March. So I don't know. I will check the site every week and see if there are any updates.

Oh, no! I totally forgot with feeling sick, dinner, and exercising. I have an opportunity to teach a camp at my elementary school over the summer. So I was thinking of doing a photography class and a scrapbooking class. I could totally make some good extra money doing this. I need remember to do some research on that tomorrow morning so I can tell my boss if I can do it or not. But hey if you want to teach a class to K-4th grade kids for one week, or more, during the summer. You select the topic and it can be full day or half day class and make some extra money then let me know. We still need plenty of teachers for both July and August.

Well if I have to wake up in the morning it is definitely bed time. Write again soon.

Challenge

After my last post I struggled greatly. I stopped to question if I should share this with you. I know I share a lot of personal things but this is a different kind of personal. But I that I should.

As you know I am doing lost of praying. Over the last six days with out tv I have had lots and lots prayer time. I have prayed for others but I have also prayed for me. The last time I posted was Wednesday evening. I had told you how on Tuesday night I worked myself up into a tizzy. I wanted to travel the world, move to Iowa, go live on a cruise ship, or even go live in Washington state. I just wanted to go and do and change. Then on Wednesday night as I was blogging I realized my real reason behind my frantic need to go. It was because I am feeling out of place. I look at others lives and wish they were my own. On my paper, in black and white, my life sucks. I live in my dad's house working a part time job that a 16 year old can do. I have one friend I see maybe once a month and my close nit family seems to be not so close anymore due to distance.

After I posted I tried to sleep but sleep did not come. I felt tired and yet my brain was wide awake. I had skipped my melatonin pill, thinking that was why I was sleeping so many hours. But after an hour in bed with no luck sleeping I went out and took my melatonin pill. I had 9:30 and around 11pm I finally took my pill. I did not fall asleep until after 2 am. It was hard night. What I had just posted about feeling alone and like looser kept resonating in my head. I didn't understand why God would do this to me. I felt frustrated. I shed many tears and found myself very suicidal at different points of the evening. At one point I even got up and went and took a shower hoping it would calm me down and help me sleep. I have had nights like this before. The thing that really bugged me this night was I am in the middle of a fast for God. I am spending more time with God and yet the further into this I go the more frustrated and sad I get.  It didn't make any sense. I cleaning out my body, spending time with God and in return I am up all night suffering.

Thursday morning I slept in. I woke up at 10:30, had some breakfast and went to work. There was no way I was going to wake up early to go down to Rio Salado to try to apply. I was too exhausted and worn out from the emotional night.

I did not let this stop me. I continued in the manner I had the day before. Prayer, vegan, no caffeine, no tv. I made a commitment and I would stick with it. Thursday night the church was having a special prayer meeting since we are doing the fast. I was a little worried it would be all men, that I would feel out of place. I wondered if I should go. But then my roommates were watching a movie I totally want to watch. It was perfect timing because not wanting to hear it I either needed to go to my bedroom or leave. So I got ready and left. I got to the church and the parking lot was mostly empty. I walked up to the where the meeting was being held but it didn't look like anyone was inside. It turned out that it was Pastor Kurt and three women, including me.

If you haven't gone to a prayer meeting normally, at least the ones i have gone to. You start with a couple praise songs and then everyone prays out loud for the next hour or so. You do not have to pray out loud it is of course optional. As Kurt started to pray as well as others I started to listen, really listen. Never, not once did they pray for themselves. There were prayers for the church, for the ministries, prayer for neighbors and witnessing opportunities. There were prayers for our government and country. But none of the three people I was in the room with prayed for themselves. And it was God saying, "Do you see?! Do you understand now?!" My prayers had been selfish. They were "I want, I want, I want." Other times "I need" and "why not" and "It's not fair." But never, not really meaning it at least, asked God what He wanted my next step to be. I even remembered earlier in the day when I thought I could work on a cruise line for awhile to save up some money. The thought crossed my mind, "Where is God in that plan?" But then I brushed it off, God will figure it out. Like as if He needs to just figure out how his plan work around my plan. As if! And I did pray for others some but not as much as I should be. And don't get me wrong you can pray for yourself, of course. But not like whiny child trying to get their way. Instead I need to humble myself and ask God how I can serve Him. How I can be a good shepherd to His sheep.

During the prayer meeting I was silent as all of this dawned on me. I have tried to think about it. What exactly got me to this point of selfishness and I can't figure it out. It may just be the sins of the flesh. I am just so thankful that God found a way to tell me how I was acting.

So tomorrow morning I do plan to go down to Rio Salado to see about just getting admitted and having the financial aid finalized. I still need to do a lot more prayer asking God if this is the step He wants me to take next. That although I am not sure what I will do with AAS degree make sure he does have a plan for it. And although I forgot it for awhile, I do know that I have followed God to where I am now out of the pit I had created myself. And if I want to get further out then I need to keep following God's steps because my steps can't lead me out.

Fly, Fly Away

Last night, I don't know why but I had worked myself into a tizzy. I had decided that I wanted to travel the world and I would change jobs so I could pay off my debt faster while trying to get a job at an airline so I could fly for free. Then I would just travel. Everywhere! ...but then reality hit. It's not like I couldn't do that or that I have even completely decided against it. I think it was my plan to just get away. Just do something completely different then what I am currently doing. I have seen plenty of movies and shows where people just hope on a plane and go somewhere. Because of course in the movies you aren't thinking about how expensive a taxi ride is or how you are going to pay for the hotel room that night. You just go. I think now that my fear of flying, that wouldn't fit in a seat, is over my desire to travel has grown.

So besides going crazy everything has been going ok. Not having tv drives me a little crazy, I don't know what to do sometimes. Last night I got frustrated while I was preparing dinner. I had always known I dealt with stress with food but I didn't realize I also used the tv. So last night I was frustrated, sat down with a meal I wasn't satisfied with and couldn't even watch tv. But that is good. I am learning to actually deal with my emotions instead of ignoring them. My brother is getting a couple of movies from Netflix I really want to watch. For a second I really wanted to just watch them anyways but the moment passed and remembered the reason why I am fasting from tv. To spend more time with God. 

With everything else going on I have barely noticed I have gone caffeine free. I had forgotten that I had mentioned it to a teacher before the break so she asked me about it. It actually took me a second because I totally forgot I gave up caffeine. Not that I have been drinking, I just have so many other things I am thinking about. 

Today I was supposed to exercise again. I decided to skip today because my thighs are still in so much pain. It hurts just walk around and then you add sitting and walking up and down the couple steps in my house and I am in lots of pain. I wanted to give them another day or two to rest and I will be better about stretching first and not doing so much so fast. I understand the point of the exhaustion test to see where you are at so you know where to start on their list. But to go from no exercise to a sudden 85 squats did not make my body happy. 

Tomorrow morning I am going to go down to Rio Salado. The financial aid was already approved by the government but I guess the school needs to verify my tax information. Plus I can't register online, which is weird in my opinion. So I will go down and fill out the registration stuff, go see financial aid, and then stop by admissions. I am having my transcripts sent over to them from the other Maricopa Community Colleges I attended. I did that a couple days ago so hopefully that has been done and then admissions can help me figure out what classes I still need. 

In my random thinking yesterday, which was all about changing what I am doing now. I also thought that maybe I could get my AAS degree and then if I moved out to Davenport it would be easier to get a job as a paraeducator at a school there. I guess they have lots of para educators. Most of them are aids for class rooms from what I can tell. And if I was making a reasonable amount of money then I could afford to live out there. There apartments cost just as much as they do out here and right now I could not afford to live in an apartment so I have to remember that anytime I think of moving out there. But I am not sure how long it will take to get the degree. Or if the AA will actually help me get a job at all. Though I guess that is why I want to talk to an advisor tomorrow to try to figure it out.

Without tv and music filling my head my brain seems to ramble around a lot. I am spending lots of time in prayer and have been doing my devotional book every day. I know that I can not keep just doing this, working part time and living in my dad's house, much longer. I need a change. Because there is nothing here anymore. My sister is 1500 miles away, my older brother and his wife are hoping and praying for an opportunity to go to Japan for a couple years, I barely talk to my younger brother since the house drama, my dad lives a hundred miles away, and the only friend I have I only see maybe once a month if we can manage to get our schedules right. I am 29 years old, living in my dad's house, with a part time job that 16 year old can do. This is not what I was made for. God had/has so much more for me. I can feel it. If I would just listen to His voice. Block out everything else and hear my Shepherds voice. Which is exactly why I need these twenty-five days of silence.

Vacation is Over

Tomorrow I go back to work. After two weeks away it is a little weird to go back. I do miss the routine but having my own schedule has been nice too. I have to say the worst part of going back is that I have to return this iPad I borrowed. I am totally hooked now. Though I had kind of figured I would be. There are a few things that frustrate me, like scrolling down and e-mail that is a link it always wants to send you there instead of just scrolling. Greer. But no worries I am returning this so I won't have that problem anymore. ;) Tomorrow we have a new girl starting with me so she needs to be kind of trained. Then we also had a guy who works at our middle school campus quit over the break so he has to be replaced now too. So this week should be fun.

The last couple of days have been intersecting. I have been eating vegan and tracking my calories. The worst part is I am not hitting the calorie goal that th program thinks I should hit. I already have it set so that the calorie goal would have me loose two lbs a week but with the other five hundred calories I am not eating I may end up loosing three pounds this week. I just want to make sure I am getting all of the nutrients that I need. Making sure that I am not eating the same thing everyday. I was hoping I wouldn't have to shop again till next week but I seem to have a small list of things I need to get. My budget is a little tight every month before the 15th but as long as I stick to my list I should be ok. In January I never get any babysitting jobs. I think after a month of going out and spending way to much money parents just want to stay in, which makes sense. But that also means no extra cash for me this month.

The hardest thing right now is the no tv. Even this evening I was frustrated and just wanted to go watch tv till I forgot what was bugging me. It has been interesting learning when tv has become such a habit to go to. Today, without any work or anywhere to go, it started to get hard. I am reading a book on fasting and a couple books on being vegan. So they are all informative not really story telling. So I kind of read one and then hope to another and then pray a little bit, read another, listen to some music, do my devotion, read some more. I did start my push up, crunch, squat today. I am not so bad at the square and crunch's but push ups I need lots of help. I knew on the ground, even on my knew would be too hard. Doing them against the wall is too easy but I couldn't find a good angle to do them at, nothing sturdy enough to lean against with the whole weight of my body. So I ended up doing them against the wall for now. Today I did exhaustion tests and for the push-up's I did forty against the wall. It feels a little like cheating starting so far ahead with such an easy push up but after I hit the hundred I will have to find a new way to do them. Maybe by then I might be strong enough to do them on the ground or the lower angles available to me. I do have to say that my legs are still fatigued from the equate I did. So I guess that is good. My abs and arms aren't so I wonder if I pushed myself hard enough on those. I will start my first rotation on Wednesday. So we will see how that goes.

Otherwise all is well and I hope the same goes for you too.

Movies and Books

I watch lots of tv and read lots of books. However I seem to have missed many of the classics along the way. Now I could just ignore this, as the generation behind me has also not read these books. But rather giving in to ignorance I prefer to make this into an interesting challenge. So for the next twelve months I have selected 12 movies and 24 books. If I miss one because I am busy. No big deal I will just move to the next months books. There is the little problem of November being busy for me so if possible I may try to read those books early. However, as you will see in a minute. My book selections are all very challenging so fitting a third in to a month may be hard. But we will see.

A couple years ago I saw a blog about people trying to read books that Rory Gilmore read on Gilmore Girls. I don't know about you but I loved that show! I looked over the list and there were many books I saw on the list that were classics that people make reference to but I had not read. So for two years I have wanted to read some of those books. I think I may have even blogged about my intentions last year to read some of the books. Either way it didn't get done but it is where I got many of the books from the list. A few, toward the bottom, are not on her list but I still wanted to read them so they are staying.

I pasted my lists below.

	Movie	Book 1	Book 2
January	Gone with the Wind	Gone with the Wind	Wizard of Oz
February	Sound of Music	Emma	Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
March	Joe vs Volcano, When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle	Uncle Tom's Cabin	Moveable Feast
April	Hitch Hikers guide to the galaxy	Catch-22	One Hundred Years of Solitude
May	Shawshank Redemption	Grimm Brothers	David Cooperfield
June	Godfather I, II, III	The Shining	Great Expectations
July	A clockwork Orange	Moby Dick	Joy Luck Club
August	Grease & Saturday Night Fever	A Tale of Two Cities	Oliver Twist
September	Pulp Fiction	1984	Little Women
October	Grapes of Wrath	Fahrenheit 451	The Secret life of Bees
November	The Silence of the Lambs	Devil in the White City	Wicked
December	The Good, the Bad and the Ugly	Night	A Christmas Carol

For a few months a have more than one movie listed. They went together so I just stuck them together. For March I have the whole Meg Ryan movie thing going on so I even moved Moveable Feast to that month, her character in City of Angels read it.

What do you think of my list? Do you agree? Should I add something? Remove something?