I believe that most things that happen in your life are truly of your decisions. Yes, some things are outside of your control; a family member dying, not getting hired where you want, well even that you can keep trying. So when I have no time I have to look and see where I am spending that time. When I am frustrated and upset I have to figure out why. Because it is my choices that are causing it.
I am sensitive. I have been overweight since third grade and I have never had self confidence. I have learned how to fake self confidence but when it comes right down to it I am weak and easily knocked down. Because of this I choose to be around positive. Positive people with positive comments.
I have realized that my writing group is a double edged sword. On one hand it is great friends and many laughs. At the of the night when I look through the notes on my novel it is painful. I tried to express my frustrations and the notes got nicer. Then this Saturday the notes felt like a knife to the gut. I wasn't sure I wanted to go Tuesday night and I should have listened to my gut reaction because it felt like they took the knife and just twisted.
Today my priorfatgirl post went online. On my break from work I check my e-mails and have received an e-mail telling me I have received a negative comment on the post. I take a deep breath and go look. Instead of saying lose weight I have said loose. Someone has pointed out my error. If it was my blog I would go in and fix it and comment back "sorry for the error. I was a little nervous when I posted this." but I do not have that control and so it sits there. (please do not comment anything rude please.)
I do feel a little upset about this post because between school and my writing group I have realized how bad my grammar is. And here it is with someone pointing it out for the world to see. I read that post a million times before sending it to Jen (ok twice) and I still missed that. So is writing for priorfatgirl really a good idea? Maybe I am not educated enough. Though here I am at thirty and I don't know how to fix this. I would love to blame my dyslexia but I don't think that is accurate.
But it goes past blogging. I may be offered a promotion at work to extended day coordinator but that involves sending e-mails to parents, admin, and teachers. Will I be able to do that? Will they give me the job and then fire me because I can't write?
If my life is made of my choices then what now? I am no longer part of my writing group. I still want to do priorfatgirl but I am not sure I will be picked anyways, the other nominees are really good. And for work, I don't know. I thought that was what I wanted, the promotion. Maybe it is not right for me. But even teachers have write too parents and other teachers. So could i even get a teaching job? There are many unknowns and choices I will have to make. But what they will be only God knows, literally.