Here I sit wishing I wanted it more. I know it hasn't been long since I said this before. I wish that I wanted to get up and exercise. I wish I wanted to eat healthy things. I wish that my desire to be healthy was rooted deeper inside of me because right now it is more like an idea then a desire.
Today I ate horrible. All day, even now I sit typing this while drinking a Smirnoff ICE (228 cal.) I did not exercise today or yesterday. I know that I should. I know the long term benefits would be good but today I wanted junk more. I wanted to be lazy and didn't care about watching my calories. Yesterday I was ravenous all day. I would eat and be starving an hour later.
This morning I weighed myself and I was 275 so I lost the two pounds I wanted to. I know that I can do it so why do I then go and eat a million calories? Why do I make bad choices all day long?
The truth is that I am feeling unworthy. Unworthy for prior fat girl. Unworthy for my writing group. Unworthy for my college classes that point out all of my grammar errors. Unworthy for the job I may be offered for next school year. So I hide. I hide in my living room watching dumb tv shows and old movies. I hide behind food that satisfies my desires and doesn't tell me how unworthy I am.
I have always known that I do not completely love myself. This is why it is hard for me to love others and believe that they could love or care for me. I want to do better. I strive to do better. I try to "fake it till I make it" but really I can only fool myself so long.
With all this said, tomorrow I will keep trying. I will keep pushing myself. I will track my calories and I will exercise for at least 20 minutes. I will try again because I have to. I can't stop here. This is not all God has for me but He needs me to keep reaching for it. I can't just stand here in my rut hoping grace will fall down on me. I need to go out and find it even if somedays, like today, I fail.
I was watching some tv show last night and it used the phrase, "Keep calm and carry on." I thought yeah, that makes sense. I could get upset about today and yesterday but no I need to just keep calm and carry on. Totally stupid I know, but hey any motivation is good motivation right?