For the last 24 hours I have been struggling with one of those hard decision. One where either answer is ok but will lead you down two different roads. To some it is not that big but others understand. I am hoping my sister will be one who understands.
Last night after I got home from my friends house I got an e-mail. It was from a woman I babysit for, she needs me three days next week. I will make close to $300 over those three days. This is the money I asked God for. This would cover my flight to see my sister. I went and looked up flights and the cost of the flight had gone down a little so it was about $240, great. But it didn't feel that great.
Just a couple days before I questioned whether I could afford a $40 coat. And yet I am going to spend $250 on flight? But I asked for it and God provided it. The money is enough for my flight. I can do it! I can go! I deserve it!...and then I remember that it is God's money. It isn't my money. I pray, over and over again for God to tell me what to do and the answer is getting jumbled with my emotions and desires and thoughts. I ask others for advise because it consumes my mind. All day long I go back and forth, back and forth.
This evening I checked the flights. I can fly out on Christmas Day, leave 2:30 my time and get there 6:30 their time. I would leave on New Years Eve, leaving their time at 7:30 and getting to Phoenix at 9:40 my time. The price has dropped since I looked at it at two early this afternoon. Now I can take that flight, with taxes, for only $180. I know it has to do with the awful timing of the flights but $200, I can do $200. And so I struggle again. Going through my head all of the options.
I have come to realize that, Yes I can go to see my sister. God has provided that opportunity for me. But No I should not go see my sister. Spending that money would leave me in the same tough spot I was in for the last three months. But if I don't spend the money then I can give myself some wiggle room. I would be able to breath again instead of worrying about every little purchase. Not only would I be saving the money from the flight but I contacted the woman I am working for next week and she was hoping I could babysit between Christmas and New Year as well. So I will have even more opportunity to earn and save money.
Let me tell you that as I type this tears are streaming down my face. It breaks my heart that I won't see my nephews, and niece, and sister, and even my brother in law for Christmas. But I just keep thinking about the parable of the talents spoken by Jesus. He who has been faithful with few things will be trusted with much but he who was not faithful with few could not be trusted at all.
I have also always struggled with the do you live for this moment because life is short or do you live in the long term planning for the future. For so long I have lived the first way. That is how I am in debt and have a house foreclosure. It is why I am poor when in the past I have made so much. I try so hard now to change my ways. To remember that God has more planned for me then this moment here and I need to plan for that as well. So I can spend the money on the flight and my bills may be paid this month but what about next month? What happens in January and February when I may not get the extra babysitting jobs like I am this month. Because honestly I am tired of eating granola bars, cereal. peanut butter and Jelly, ramen noodles, and hot dogs because they are cheap foods. I want some variety. And honestly I really want my netflix account back. Oh how I miss watching all of the new movies.
So God answered my prayer. He answered my begging and my boldness. Then He let me know why He hadn't offered it in the first place and gave me the choice. My choice hurts but it somehow feels right too.
Oddly enough after I posted this I went and checked facebook. Looks like my two eldest nephews will be going to their dad's the week I could go visit. So really it isn't a good week to visit anyways. I mean I could still see my sister but I would hate to miss out on time with those boys.