I feel like I just posted about this. (I did about six hours ago.) But more thoughts have run through my head and I feel the need to share them with you.
My stomach still hurts. It is after I eat something. The feeling is hard to describe not hungry or like food poisoning. It is like a churning deep in my stomach. From the first moment I felt it yesterday evening my head went straight to gluten allergy. I have a few friends at work with it and have heard the symptoms described. It feels like what they have described. I hate jumping off cliffs. Deciding it must be this awful thing or being a hypochondriac. But the truth is this just doesn't feel right. I am a person that is aware of their body and the way feels. This is a new feeling at the age of (almost) thirty my digestive system shouldn't be feeling new ways.
I was talking to my older brother this evening about it. We happened to be talking right after I had eaten two hot dogs for dinner and the pain came back. I said it first, gluten allergy, but he was quick to say "yes maybe celiac disease." That sounds so awful, having a disease. I barely even heard him say it the first time. But I looked it up and there it was stating that people with lactose intolerance often have celiac disease and not know it. If this was the case and my symptoms were getting worse then it would account for my extra sleeping lately. If I stop eating gluten my depression could stop.
I think back to my few times as a vegan. Generally as a vegan I was gluten free. When I made things like pancakes I often bought gluten free mixes because they were also vegan. Maybe that explains part of why I do feel so much better being vegan. Not necessarily the processed meats poisoning my body but the gluten that I have been eating.
Honestly, total honesty. The thought in my head tonight as I said, "Celiac disease? Why God." and it just hit me. I have prayed to get healthy time and time again. I have known I was lactose intolerant for three or four years now and yet I still eat dairy even though my body rejects it. And yet I still pray God help me stick with eating healthy. God help me get healthy so I can have kids one day. And now it is painful to eat the foods that are not good for my body. God tried lactose intolerance and it didn't work. So now maybe the having or the idea of having celiac disease will do it.
I hear you God.
I hear you.
I need to try harder. I need to lean on God on those times that I want to cheat or skip a workout. Clearly God has a different path for me then the one that I am on. It is clear to me that I have choice right now. God is saying you can continue down your path or you can take mine. But right now. This moment. This is when you need to decide.